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In many parts of the world there is continuous coverage of sports on television. Some people believe this discourages the young from taking part in any sport themselves. Discuss this view and give your own opinion. v.2

In many parts of the world there is continuous coverage of sports on television. Some people believe this discourages the young from taking part in any sport themselves. Discuss this view and give your own opinion. v. 2
Nowadays, in most countries, there are numerous television channels to choose from and these include non-stop broadcasting of sport. Therefore it would appear that many people must be interested in watching sport throughout the day and night. However, it does not necessarily follow that watching sport makes people less keen on participating in it. Teachers and parents may be concerned when they see teenagers spending time watching sport on television and fear that they are not active enough. While there may be some justification for this, it is also true that young people are often under pressure, for example to do well in exams. They need to relax and give their minds and bodies a break. In my experience, the young do not tend to watch sport rather than participating in it. The teenagers in my neighbourhood regularly play football after school and at weekends they play in matches or go to the tennis courts or the swimming pool. As well as this, they all support various famous clubs and admire sports stars. These stars are their role models and watching them on television encourages participation in sporting activities because the young try to emulate the people they admire. By contrast, I have observed that some older people spend their evenings and weekends in front of the television, following sports such as international golf or motor racing. Moreover, many of these are middle-aged men (it tends to be men) who spend their days sitting at a desk in an office and who get very little exercise in spite of the fact that they need it more than most. In conclusion, although I accept that there are some people who may be discouraged from participating in sport because they can watch it on television instead, in my view this does not generally apply to the young.
Nowadays, in most countries, there are numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
channels to choose from and these include non-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
broadcasting of sport.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
it would appear that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be interested
in watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
throughout the day and night.
However
, it does not
necessarily
follow that watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
less keen on participating in it. Teachers and parents may
be concerned
when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
spending time watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
and fear that they are not active
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
. While there may be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
justification for this, it is
also
true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
under pressure,
for example
to
Use "well on" with "exams". Try this: "do well on exams".
do well in exams
. They need to relax and give their minds and bodies a break.

In my experience, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
do not tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
rather
than participating in it. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
in my
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbourhood' is British English.
neighbourhood
regularly
play football after school and at weekends they play in matches or go to the tennis courts or the swimming pool.
As well
as this, they all support various
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
clubs and admire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
stars. These stars are their role models and watching them on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
encourages participation in sporting activities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
try to emulate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
they admire.

By contrast, I have observed that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend their evenings and weekends in front of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
, following
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
such as international golf or motor racing.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of these are middle-aged
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
(it tends to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
) who spend their days sitting at a desk in an office and who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
exercise
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
the fact that they need it more than most.

In conclusion
, although I accept that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who may
be discouraged
from participating in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
it on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
instead
, in my view this does not
generally
apply to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages know nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay In many parts of the world there is continuous coverage of sports on television. Some people believe this discourages the young from taking part in any sport themselves. Discuss this view and give your own opinion. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
305 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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