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New household appliances have resulted in more free time for women and has enabled them to both work and run a home with dependent children. What are the advantages for a family when the mother works? Do you think the disadvantages outweigh the advantages? v.2

New household appliances have resulted in more free time for women and has enabled them to both work and run a home with dependent children. What are the advantages for a family when the mother works? Do you think the disadvantages outweigh the advantages? v. 2
Women dreams of escaping from loads of housework and baby caring and with the technology development, their dream seems can come true. The household appliances make life more convenient to every mother and also allows them to both work and care teenagers. However, this brings both merits and demerits to children and mothers and this essay will discuss both. Obviously, a family with two working parents has less financial pressure and higher life quality. The money that earned by mother can also be used in other aspect toward child such as afterschool classes or other interests. Moreover, women can achieve their own meaning by work rather than being bound by family if they cost less time in home. Finally, the more women can work, the more benefits society can get, since in some positions such as activities planning and nursing, women can do better job than men generally. However, the increase of working mothers can also cause some problems. The most important thing is the kids’ security problem. If those little children met emergencies, their parents cannot back to home immediately, which sometime even led to lethal condition. Also, without the company of parents, children may feel lonely and in a long-term, they become unconcerned toward family and in replacement, addicted to computer games or smart phone. Finally, companies may treating working mothers differently, since these employers believe working mothers are burdened by both family and the work, so they cannot finish job perfectly. Overall, I tend to believe the increasing number of working mothers can bring more benefits than its disadvantages. The government can help those mothers to care their kids and the problem can be solved.
Possible agreement error. You should probably use: "woman dreams".
Women dreams
of escaping from loads of housework and baby caring and with the technology development, their dream seems can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
true. The household appliances
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
life more convenient to every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mother
and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
them to both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and care
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
.
However
, this brings both merits and demerits to children and mothers and this essay will discuss both.

Obviously
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
with two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
parents has less financial pressure and higher life quality. The money that earned by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mother
can
also
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in other aspect toward child such as
Possible spelling mistake found.
afterschool
classes or other interests.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
can achieve their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
meaning by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
rather
than
being bound
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
if they cost less time in home.
Finally
, the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, the more benefits society can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
, since in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
positions such as activities planning and nursing,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
can do better job than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
generally
.

However
, the increase of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
mothers can
also
cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problems. The most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
thing is the kids’ security problem. If those
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
children met emergencies, their parents cannot back to home immediately, which sometime even led to lethal condition.
Also
, without the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
of parents, children may feel lonely and in a long-term, they become unconcerned toward
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and in replacement, addicted to computer games or smart phone.
Finally
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
may treating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
mothers
differently
, since these employers believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
mothers
are burdened
by both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they cannot finish job
perfectly
.

Overall
, I tend to believe the increasing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
mothers can bring more benefits than its disadvantages. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
those mothers to care their kids and the problem can
be solved
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay New household appliances have resulted in more free time for women and has enabled them to both work and run a home with dependent children. What are the advantages for a family when the mother works? Do you think the disadvantages outweigh the advantages? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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