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Multicultural societies in which there are a mixture of ethnic people bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Multicultural societies in which there are a mixture of ethnic people bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. v. 2
Nowadays, people believe that having a multicultural society with different ethnical backgrounds bring more positive development than the negative. With my knowledge, I completely agree with it that, in such a way, it brings a lot of advantages to a nation, especially in terms of education and economic growth. One of the few disadvantages that researchers agree with is the cultural confusion. This happens when the younger generation becomes confused about their cultural identity because of the exposure to different belief systems. An example would be African native families who migrate to USA for better job opportunities. Children in these families, migrating in a young age, get to grow in a western culture, but tend to be confused because of their skin colour. This drawback, however, is not extremely significant as people can always easily adapt to any circumstances. There are, however, more benefits of this trend, especially when it comes to learning and productivity. Firstly, people who are exposed to this are more aware and informed about the different cultures. For instance, the country Canada, which is known to have thousands of immigrants every year are known to be diverse in their knowledge about various ethnicities. Second is the fact that the influx of professionals from foreign lands helps in the growth of the economy especially in the Western countries. These experts give their services and share their knowledge; thereby helping countries thrive in their business and guide the next generations of specialists for a better future. In conclusion, I have a strong belief that a country with diverse ethnicity has more benefits than the negative impacts. Nonetheless, governments should still be sceptical in allowing this process; always being mindful not only of the country’s financial growth but also considering every individual’s well being.
Nowadays,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that having a multicultural society with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ethnical backgrounds bring more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development than the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
. With my knowledge, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with it that, in such a way, it brings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
advantages to a nation,
especially
in terms of education and economic growth.

One of the few disadvantages that researchers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with is the cultural confusion. This happens when the younger generation becomes confused about their cultural identity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the exposure to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
belief systems. An example would be African native families who migrate
A determiner is probably missing here: "to the USA".
to USA
for better job opportunities. Children in these families, migrating in a young age,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to grow in a western culture,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
tend to
be confused
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their skin
Possible spelling mistake. 'colour' is British English.
colour
. This drawback,
however
, is not
extremely
significant as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
The adverb 'always' is usually put before the verb 'can'.
can always
easily
adapt to any circumstances.

There are,
however
, more benefits of this trend,
especially
when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to learning and productivity.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
are exposed
to this are more aware and informed about the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cultures.
For instance
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
Canada, which
is known
to have thousands of immigrants every year
are known
to be diverse in their knowledge about various ethnicities. Second is the fact that the influx of professionals from foreign lands
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in the growth of the economy
especially
in the Western
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. These experts give their services and share their knowledge; thereby helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
thrive in their business and guide the
next
generations of specialists for a better future.

In conclusion
, I have a strong belief that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
with diverse ethnicity has more benefits than the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts. Nonetheless,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should
still
be
Possible spelling mistake. 'sceptical' is British English.
sceptical
in allowing this process; always being mindful not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country’s
financial growth
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
considering every individual’s
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well being
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Multicultural societies in which there are a mixture of ethnic people bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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