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Multicultural societies in which there are a mixture of ethnic people bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Multicultural societies in which there are a mixture of ethnic people bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. v. 1
Migration of people to various part of the world is becoming increasingly popular. Consequently, people end up settling in communities where they share different cultural background. Many believe there are more advantages of inhabiting in such a multicultural community than the potential setbacks that may arise. I completely agree with this view. This is because the problem that may emerge can be overcome and cultural mix leads societal development. The fear of losing cultural heritage is one major issue that makes individuals believe that mixing with other people with different ethnicity may be a drawback for them. They think new immigrant may not respect their culture and this could lead to clashes between them. However, they are unaware that these issues have solutions. The local government or community members can organise induction programs to keep the new comers informed on the land's cultural beliefs. Pamphlets can also be distributed to each immigrant telling them about the cultures of their new society. This way people will learn and respect the culture thereby avoiding unnecessary conflict. In Africa for instance, describing a lady as fat is not conceived as being disrespectful unlike in places in the Europe where it is not tolerated. if one is aware of this one may avoid such words in an environment like that. And this will prevent any misunderstanding that may arise. Having a clear understanding of both cultures makes it easier for people to become accommodating, but could this be the benefits? No. When people with different background live together they share knowledge and skills from the various culture. This produces new techniques employed in carrying out some specific processes such as building constructions. In addition, it also improves the lifestyle of the community and this generally results in community development. For example, people from eastern part of Nigeria are generally good entrepreneurs and their migration to places like Lagos has made the state one of the biggest commercial cities of Africa. Indigenes have also been able to learn these skills, and this has resulted in an enormous growth in the state’s income. In summary, there are more merit to having a multicultural society if people know how to deal with the issues that may arise. New skills acquisition and community growth are the major advantages when we embrace people with different ethnic background.
Migration of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to various part of the world is becoming
increasingly
popular.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up settling in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
where they share
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
background.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
believe there are more advantages of inhabiting in such a multicultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
than the potential setbacks that may arise. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the problem that may emerge can
be overcome
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
mix leads societal development.

The fear of losing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
heritage is one major issue that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
individuals believe that mixing with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
ethnicity may be a drawback for them. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
immigrant may not respect their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
and this could lead to clashes between them.
However
, they are unaware that these issues have solutions. The local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
members can
Possible spelling mistake. 'organise' is British English.
organise
induction programs to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the
Did you mean "newcomers"?
new comers
informed on the land's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
beliefs. Pamphlets can
also
be distributed
to each immigrant telling them about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
society. This way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will learn and respect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
thereby avoiding unnecessary conflict. In Africa
for instance
, describing a lady as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
is not conceived as being disrespectful unlike in places in the Europe where it is not tolerated.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
if
one is aware of this one may avoid such words in an environment like that. And this will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
any misunderstanding that may arise.

Having a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
understanding of both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it easier for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to become accommodating,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
could this be the benefits? No. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
background
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
together they share knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
from the various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
. This produces
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
techniques employed in carrying out
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
specific processes such as building constructions.
In addition
, it
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
the lifestyle of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
and this
generally
results in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
development.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from eastern part of Nigeria are
generally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
entrepreneurs and their migration to places like Lagos has made the state one of the biggest commercial cities of Africa.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Indigenes
have
also
been able to learn these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, and this has resulted in an enormous growth in the state’s income.

In summary, there are more merit to having a multicultural society if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
know how to deal with the issues that may arise.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
New
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
acquisition and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
growth are the major advantages when we embrace
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
ethnic background.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
33Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Multicultural societies in which there are a mixture of ethnic people bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
388 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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