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Most people have forgotten the meaning behind traditional or religious festivals, during festival period, people nowadays only want to enjoy themselves. What extent do agree and disagree? v.1

Most people have forgotten the meaning behind traditional or religious festivals, during festival period, people nowadays only want to enjoy themselves. What extent do agree and disagree? v. 1
It is true that some people argue that religious and traditional festivals are providing a great time to have fun and no longer remember the original meaning of them. I totally agree that enjoyment seems to be a priority during the festival times. And I disagree that in this contemporary era people are unaware of the reasons behind them. On the one hand, traditional and religious festivals led great opportunities enjoy people. The most celebrating Indian festivals is Christmas. Individuals eagerly look forward to this festival due to the long period of holiday. Therefore, they tend to take this time to do shopping, decorating, home and enjoy traditional meals with families. Moreover, they display lights in front of their home, which illustrates that darkness is disappearing around the world. In addition, most people would prefer to commute abroad during this occasion. So that they unwind their stress of work. Although, they can be seen different cultures and customs which give them a sense of new experience. On the other hand, I disagree with the idea of forgetting the real meaning of festivals. In India, children are taught the reasons behind this religious festival at their primary school. However, families play a vital step to passing knowledge of festivals on to the next generation via celebrating festivals every year. In this way children generally be learnt the stories about these religious occasions at an early age. By the way of conclusion, I once again reaffirm that enjoyment must be a primary goal. And still people are being aware of the reasons of celebrating traditional festivals.
It is true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
religious
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festivals
are providing a great time to have fun and no longer remember the original meaning of them. I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that enjoyment seems to be a priority during the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festival
times. And I disagree that in this contemporary era
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are unaware of the reasons behind them.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
religious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festivals
led great opportunities enjoy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. The most celebrating Indian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festivals
is Christmas. Individuals
eagerly
look forward to this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festival
due to the long period of holiday.
Therefore
, they tend to take this time to
The usual collocation for an activity ending in "-ing" is "go" not "do" or "play." Revise: "go shopping".
do shopping
, decorating, home and enjoy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
meals with families.
Moreover
, they display lights in front of their home, which illustrates that darkness is disappearing around the world.
In addition
, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would prefer to commute abroad during this occasion.
“So that” at the beginning of a sentence requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
So that
they unwind their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
of work. Although, they can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cultures and customs which give them a sense of new experience.

On the other hand
, I disagree with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of forgetting the real meaning of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festivals
. In India, children
are taught
the reasons behind this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
religious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festival
at their primary school.
However
, families play a vital step to passing knowledge of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festivals
on to the
next
generation via celebrating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festivals
every year. In this way children
generally
be
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
the stories about these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
religious
occasions at an early age.

By the way of conclusion, I once again reaffirm that enjoyment
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be a primary goal. And
still
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are being aware of the reasons of celebrating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festivals
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Most people have forgotten the meaning behind traditional or religious festivals, during festival period, people nowadays only want to enjoy themselves. What extent do agree and disagree? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
264 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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