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Most modern families have both parents working as a result children spend less and less time with their parents. What is the reason for this? What problems can this cause? v.1

Most modern families have both parents working as a result children spend less and less time with their parents. What is the reason for this? What problems can this cause? v. 1
Presently, most of the parent's are willing to work in a reputed company. Besides, they may earn a plenty of money, but they were not able to spend sufficient amount of time with children. In this essay, I will debate on the reasons for taking such a decision and problems caused by that decision and suggest my opinion. Interestingly, most of the parent's were interested in doing a job because their dream was to fulfil their children's need. Moreover, they had to work for an extra-hour in a multi-national company, even though it does not help them in establishing a special bond. If the public was willing to gift their children a luxurious gift, they were not taught anything in life. A research stated that 90% of students in the developed nations had addicted to purchase foreign brands, though their income was too low. On the other hand, people, who spend a lot of time in an office, do not know their family problems. Indeed, these people just act as an A. T. M machine between their children. Though the student does not know how to respect the elders, they just treat them as a machine. For instance, a student should know the value of a thing or relation unless they had experienced the importance of an item or a person. In the conclusion, a likely reason why most of the public is interested to work in various companies because it helps them to purchase a multitude of things and fulfil their desire. Therefore, the children may not know the value of the items and relations in the society. I believe that a student should learn how to respect others instead of calculating the price for each object.
Presently
, most of the
Did you mean the plural instead of the possessive?
parent's
are willing to work in a reputed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
Besides
, they may earn a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of money,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they were not able to spend sufficient amount of time with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. In this essay, I will debate on the reasons for taking such a decision and problems caused by that decision and suggest my opinion.

Interestingly
, most of the parent's
were interested
in doing a job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their dream was to fulfil their children's need.
Moreover
, they had to work for an extra-hour in a multi-national
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
,
even though
it does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them in establishing a special bond. If the public was willing to gift their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
a luxurious gift, they were not taught anything in life.
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
A research
stated that 90% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in the developed nations had addicted to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
foreign brands, though their income was too low.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, who spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
time in an office, do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
know
their family problems.
Indeed
, these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
act as an A. T. M machine between their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Though the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
does not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
know
how to respect the elders, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
treat them as a machine.
For instance
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
know
the value of a thing or relation unless they had experienced the importance of an item or a person.

In the conclusion, a likely reason why most of the public
is interested
to work in various
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
a multitude of things and fulfil their desire.
Therefore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
know
the value of the items and relations in the society. I believe that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
should learn how to respect others
instead
of calculating the price for each object.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Most modern families have both parents working as a result children spend less and less time with their parents. What is the reason for this? What problems can this cause? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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