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Most modern families have both parents working and as a result, children spend less and less time with their parents. What is the reason for this? What problems can this cause? v.1

Most modern families have both parents working and as a result, children spend less and less time with their parents. What is the reason for this? What problems can this cause? v. 1
An increasing number of contemporary families consist of parents who are both working, which leads to them spending very little time with their children. The prominent reasons for a rise in such a culture can be attributed to the advent of globalization and an increased cost of living. As the global economies are shrinking, a need for additional workforce has arisen. In other words, companies nowadays are hiring people for various skill-sets irrespective of gender. This has caused both, men and women, finding ample work opportunities and thus, helping them in supporting their families. However, with the high pay-scale comes the extreme pressure situations at the workplace which leads to families spending significantly less amount of time with their children. Secondly, due to various internal and external economic factors, the inflation has continuously been on an upward graph. Couple this with limitation of available resources and we will find that the lifestyle cost has been rising steadily. In such a scenario, it becomes quite essential that both the partners to work so that a decent sum can be saved when they plan retirement. However, with many households now consisting of working couples, children of such families are spending the majority of their time at schools and then at the day-care facilities. This can really cause them to alienate with their parents. Secondly, it has also been found to be a cause of depression among many young children whose parents find it hard to take time out of their hectic schedules and have a conversation with them. Thirdly, increased work pressure and deadlines has led to severe stress in many grown-ups. To conclude, while being a working parent is becoming a norm in many families and cannot be avoided in many circumstances, it is causing many children to distance themselves from their parents and vice-versa.
An increasing number of contemporary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
consist of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
who are both working, which leads to them spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. The prominent reasons for a rise in such a culture can
be attributed
to the advent of globalization and an increased cost of living.

As the global economies are shrinking, a need for additional workforce has arisen.
In other words
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
nowadays are hiring
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
for various
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
-sets irrespective of gender. This has caused both,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women, finding ample work opportunities and
thus
, helping them in supporting their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
.
However
, with the high pay-scale
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
the extreme pressure situations at the workplace which leads to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
spending
significantly
less amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their children.

Secondly
, due to various internal and external economic factors, the inflation has
continuously
been on an upward graph. Couple this with limitation of available
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
resources and
we will find that the lifestyle cost has been rising
steadily
. In such a scenario, it becomes quite essential that both the partners to work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that a decent sum can
be saved
when they plan retirement.

However
, with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
households
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
consisting of working couples,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
of such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
are spending the majority of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at schools and then at the day-care facilities. This can
really
cause them to alienate with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
Secondly
, it has
also
been found
to be a cause of depression among
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
whose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
find it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
out of their hectic schedules and have a conversation with them.
Thirdly
, increased work pressure and deadlines has led to severe
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
grown-ups.

To conclude
, while being a working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
is becoming a norm in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
and cannot
be avoided
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
circumstances, it is causing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to distance themselves from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and vice-versa.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay Most modern families have both parents working and as a result, children spend less and less time with their parents. What is the reason for this? What problems can this cause? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
304 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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