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Most large companies nowadays operate multinationally. To what extent they have responsibility toward local communities? Should their enterprises offer help to their employees and local citizens? v.1

Most large companies nowadays operate multinationally. Should their enterprises offer help to their employees and local citizens? v. 1
Shopping malls are the places where youngsters prefer to spend their leisure activity. Due to the growing popularity of the malls mostly in every city and frequently changing global trends in the world of fashion, youngsters desire to look like celebrities, therefore spend an enormous amount of time and money on shopping. Although, buying goods is not a bad thing to consider as it boosts the economy, I think that youngsters should be motivated to have other hobbies than shopping. Annually, hundreds of shopping malls are built. This is due to the high demand for fashionable goods by young people. Fashion trends change every season, and these trends are promoted by the renowned people. To look stylish like celebrities youngsters spend a lot of their time in the shops. For instance, the recent research published in the Vogue magazine revealed that such consumption behaviour of the young people is influenced by famous people. Thus, to stay stylish youngsters prefer shopping to other activities. Nevertheless, most of youngsters spend their money on the things they actually don't need. Marketing researches call such behaviour impulse buying. For instance, when my friend sees a dress in the shop of the style she will never wear but it is of a high fashion, she will buy it. This would lead to the waste of money and time instead of spending them for better purposes. Hence, youngsters should be encouraged to spend their pastime doing competitive sports or intellectual activities such as reading or drawing. To conclude, while shopping does not have any detrimental effects on the youngsters, they should spend their time and money carefully not to have by regrets in the future.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Shopping
malls are the places where youngsters prefer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their leisure activity. Due to the growing popularity of the malls
mostly
in every city and
frequently
changing global trends in the world of fashion, youngsters desire to look like celebrities,
therefore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
an enormous amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
. Although, buying
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
is not a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
thing to consider as it boosts the economy, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that youngsters should
be motivated
to have other hobbies than shopping.

Annually
, hundreds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
malls
are built
. This is due to the high demand for fashionable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
by young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Fashion trends
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
every season, and these trends
are promoted
by the renowned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. To look stylish like celebrities youngsters
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in the shops.
For instance
, the recent research published in the Vogue magazine revealed that such consumption
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is influenced
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Thus
, to stay stylish youngsters prefer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
to other activities.

Nevertheless
,
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the youngsters") or simply say "most youngsters".
most of youngsters
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on the things they actually don't need. Marketing researches call such
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
impulse buying.
For instance
, when my friend
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sees
a dress in the shop of the style she will never wear
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is of a high fashion, she will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
it. This would lead to the waste of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
instead
of spending them for better purposes.
Hence
, youngsters should
be encouraged
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their pastime doing competitive sports or intellectual activities such as reading or drawing.

To conclude
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
does not have any detrimental effects on the youngsters, they should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
carefully
not to have by regrets in the future.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay Most large companies nowadays operate multinationally. Should their enterprises offer help to their employees and local citizens? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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