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Childhood obesity has become a serious problem in many countries. Explain the main causes and effects of this problem, and suggest some possible solutions. v.1

Childhood obesity has become a serious problem in many countries. Explain the main causes and effects of this problem, and suggest some possible solutions. v. 1
Food, clothing, education and health care are considered to be the basic necessities of the mankind. Whether it can be made universal has become a highly debatable topic considering the fact that advanced medical treatments to the people are highly expensive thereby exerting extra weight on the state budget. This essay will present my opinion that basic health services are to be provided by the governments free of cost so that a sense of secured life is offered to all the citizens. With the freedom of having the capability to save the basic medical expense money for emergencies, the millennia are expected to lead more enthralling lives as they can use the saved income to spend on expensive treatments that are not covered in the basic insurance plans. Happy people make a happy nation. Hence, offering such incentives to the people makes the economy of a country thrive in the long run. For example, a survey conducted by Newzealand agency revealed that people of Wellington have claimed to be 20% happier after their local governing body lifted the taxes on their compulsory insurance policies and offered basic medical plans for free. In contrast, there is another discussion which argues that offering free medical services and insurance policies highly constricts the economy as it requires a huge portion of the budget to be accommodated to be given away freely. In addition, if this money is used to build factories and develop the transportation facilities, the country advances at the global level. Furthermore, this opinion has a telling effect on the authorities to introduce such revolutionary policies which can seriously impact the growth of the nation and its global presence economically. To summarize, providing primary needs to the citizens should always be the top priority of any nation and it should be made compulsory to introduce a free health services at least covering the basic medical treatments if not the advanced ones. The focus on boosting the country's presence at the international level should be made only after the millennia are provided with the right sources of survival.
Food, clothing, education and health care
are considered
to be the
Consider using "necessities".
basic necessities
of the mankind.
“Whether” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whether
it can
be made
universal has become a
highly
debatable topic considering the fact that advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
treatments to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
highly
expensive thereby exerting extra weight on the state budget. This essay will present my opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
basic
health services are to
be provided
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
free of cost
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that a sense of secured life
is offered
to all the citizens.

With the freedom of having the capability to save the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
expense money for emergencies, the millennia are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to lead more enthralling
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
as they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the saved income to spend on expensive treatments that are not covered in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
basic
insurance plans. Happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a happy nation.
Hence
, offering such incentives to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
makes
the economy of a country thrive in the long run.
For example
, a survey conducted by
Possible spelling mistake found.
Newzealand
agency revealed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of Wellington have claimed to be 20% happier after their local governing body lifted the taxes on their compulsory insurance policies and offered
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
plans for free.

In contrast
, there is another discussion which argues that offering free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
services and insurance policies
highly
constricts the economy as it requires a huge portion of the budget to
be accommodated
to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
away
freely
.
In addition
, if this money is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to build factories and develop the transportation facilities, the country advances at the global level.
Furthermore
, this opinion has a telling effect on the authorities to introduce such revolutionary policies which can
seriously
impact the growth of the nation and its global presence
economically
.

To summarize
, providing primary needs to the citizens should always be the top priority of any nation and it should
be made
compulsory to introduce a free health services at least covering the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
treatments if not the advanced ones. The focus on boosting the country's presence at the international level should
be made
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
after the millennia
are provided
with the right sources of survival.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Childhood obesity has become a serious problem in many countries. Explain the main causes and effects of this problem, and suggest some possible solutions. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
346 words
7.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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