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Most high-level positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50 per cent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women. To what extent do you agree? v.9

Most high-level positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50 per cent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women. v. 9
Several renowned organisations are headed mostly by males, despite the statistical fact from regions of the world, where females make a large fraction of their overall plethora of employees. It is suggested that necessary reforms should be done so that this picture can be altered for good. In this essay, I would be discussing about such amendments which can be useful. According to a research of Harvard School of Business, women make only 10% of the total high-level position holders. Whereas, considering wide range, the aggregate of females throughout the corporate world is more than 50% of the whole lot. Many of these ladies are employed in developing nations. This clearly points towards the repercussions of racism, somewhere not considering women capable enough to be in powerful roles. It is not only sad to see such discrimination, in addition it adds to lack of confidence in all such professionals who are going through it. To alleviate the situation, it is recommended that some of the decision-making positions to be reserved for females. As the thought process of man and woman are different, it can help in covering the points during imperative discussions which could have been missed otherwise. Such a set-up can help in creating a balance in work culture. It is also evident from a research by Yale psychologists that in scenarios where companies were having a comparable number of senior professionals from both genders, the office environment was more positive. To conclude, comparing the figures of women working and the women in senior positions poses huge difference. This gap should be filled by taking measures like giving a fraction of such seats only to ladies. Balance should be maintained, be it work-life balance or gender balance.
Several renowned
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
are headed
mostly
by males, despite the statistical fact from regions of the world, where females
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a large fraction of their
overall
plethora of employees. It
is suggested
that necessary reforms should
be done
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that this picture can
be altered
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
. In this essay, I would be
Did you mean simply "discussing such"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discussing about such
amendments which can be useful.

According to
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
of Harvard School of Business,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
10% of the total high-level position holders. Whereas, considering wide range, the aggregate of females throughout the corporate world is more than 50% of the
Consider using "lot".
whole lot
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
of these ladies
are employed
in developing nations. This
clearly
points towards the repercussions of racism, somewhere not considering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
capable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to be in powerful roles. It is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
sad to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
such discrimination,
in addition
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
adds
to lack of confidence in all such professionals who are going through it.

To alleviate the situation, it
is recommended
that
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
decision-making positions to
be reserved
for females. As the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
process of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
and woman are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
, it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in covering the points during imperative discussions which could have
been missed
otherwise
. Such a set-up can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in creating a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
balance
in work culture. It is
also
evident from
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
by Yale psychologists that in scenarios where
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
were having a comparable number of senior professionals from both genders, the office environment was more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
.

To conclude
, comparing the figures of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
working and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in senior positions poses huge difference. This gap should
be filled
by taking measures like giving a fraction of such seats
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to ladies.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Balance
should
be maintained
, be it work-life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
balance
or gender
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
balance
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Most high-level positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50 per cent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women. v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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