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Most artist earn lower salaries and should therefore receive funding from the government in order for them to continue with their work. To what extent do you agree? v.1

Most artist earn lower salaries and should therefore receive funding from the government in order for them to continue with their work. v. 1
In this scientific era, most people have lost interest in the arts and as a result, artists are struggling to make a living. In my opinion, great things will happen if artists receive financial aid from the government. For most artists, art is their main job and their primary source of income. In addition to that, most of them are extremely passionate about what they do and spend massive amounts of time and effort to excel in their work. Therefore, when they do not earn enough from it, they are forced to give up their pursuit of art. Hence, it will be beneficial if the government offers them a monthly stipend or pension to take care of their living expenses. This will allow them to stay committed to art. For example, my grandfather was a talented painter with great creativity yet he lived a very difficult life because he did not earn much and hence his wife and children had to live in poverty. Had the government supported him financially, he would have been able to live comfortably and produce more works of art. Furthermore, art is essential to protect the culture and the tradition of a country. Without art, many cultures will disappear. For instance, the ancient Egyptians protected their culture with a tremendous amount of artistic designs which ornament the pyramids. Arabs, on the other hand, preserved their history through poems which they passed down from one generation to another and gave the world a clear image of their previous lifestyle. Thus, the financial assistance for artists' benefits the country and protects its culture / legacy /heritage. In conclusion, artists need financial assistance to continue producing great works of art. It is hoped that governments all over the world will adopt this strategy to ensure that art and artists flourish.
In this scientific era, most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have lost interest in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and
as a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
are struggling to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a living. In my opinion, great things will happen if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
receive financial aid from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

For most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is their main job and their primary source of income.
In addition
to that, most of them are
extremely
passionate about what they do and spend massive amounts of time and effort to excel in their work.
Therefore
, when they do not earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
from it, they
are forced
to give up their pursuit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
.
Hence
, it will be beneficial if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
offers them a monthly stipend or pension to take care of their living expenses. This will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to stay committed to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
.
For example
, my grandfather was a talented painter with great creativity
yet
he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he did not earn much and
hence
his wife and children had to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in poverty. Had the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
supported him
financially
, he would have been able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
comfortably
and produce more works of art.

Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is essential to protect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
and the tradition of a country. Without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
will disappear.
For instance
, the ancient Egyptians protected their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
with a tremendous amount of artistic designs which ornament the pyramids. Arabs,
on the other hand
, preserved their history through poems which they passed down from one generation to another and gave the world a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
image of their previous lifestyle.
Thus
, the financial assistance for artists' benefits the country and protects its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
/ legacy /heritage.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
need financial assistance to continue producing great works of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
. It
is hoped
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
all over the world will adopt this strategy to ensure that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
flourish.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Most artist earn lower salaries and should therefore receive funding from the government in order for them to continue with their work. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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