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More people decided to have children in their later age than in the past. Why? Do advantages of this outweigh disadvantages? v.1

More people decided to have children in their later age than in the past. Why? Do advantages of this outweigh disadvantages? v. 1
With a paradigm shift in social belief and people's fascination about having an enviable career, they tend to become parents at a later stage than the past. There are some prominent reasons for this and I personally believe that it has more negative consequences. To begin with, the average year when people get married, has increased than that of our ancestors. As a result, childbirth is naturally delayed. According to a recent survey, many young people who start their career after their graduation are more focused on their jobs than having their own family. Besides, a many young people are undecided whether to marry or not. Eventually, when they get married, they are already in their mid-thirties and they take some time to settle and have some financial stability before having their first child. Furthermore, the old belief that a girl should be prepared to manage a family and have children earlier has changed and more wives work in offices than ever. The decline of the joint family has also contributed to this trend as couples solely take the decision of having a baby, unlike the past. If we notice the detrimental impacts of this trend has, we would surely try to reverse it. The most cynical outcome of this trend is the number of couples struggling to become parents. It is scientifically proved that the infertility rate among couples is higher who try to become pregnant after mid-thirties. Some of the couples eventually break up their marriages due to this and it brings unfathomable social problems. Furthermore, having a child in the early years of marriage makes the couple more family-oriented and this eventually help them have a better future. To conclude, late marriage, nuclear family structure, and more focus on jobs are the main reasons people become parents at a later stage and this has undeniably more adverse results that the positive sides.
With a paradigm shift in social belief and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's fascination about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
an enviable career, they tend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
parents at a later stage than the past. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
prominent reasons for this and I
personally
believe that it has more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the average year when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
married, has increased than that of our ancestors.
As a result
, childbirth is
naturally
delayed. According to a recent survey,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their career after their graduation are more focused on their jobs than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
Besides
, a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are undecided
whether to marry or not.
Eventually
, when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
married, they are already in their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
mid-thirties and
they take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time to settle and have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
financial stability
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
their
first
child.
Furthermore
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
belief that a girl should
be prepared
to manage a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and have children earlier has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
and more wives work in offices than ever. The decline of the joint
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
has
also
contributed to this trend as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
couples
solely
take the decision of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a baby, unlike the past.

If we notice the detrimental impacts of this trend has, we would
surely
try to reverse it. The most cynical outcome of this trend is the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
couples
struggling to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
parents. It is
scientifically
proved that the infertility rate among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
couples
is higher who try to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
pregnant after mid-thirties.
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
couples
eventually
break up their marriages due to this and it brings unfathomable social problems.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a child in the early years of marriage
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
couple
more family-oriented and this
eventually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them have a better future.

To conclude
, late marriage, nuclear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
structure, and more focus on jobs are the main reasons
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
parents at a later stage and this has
undeniably
more adverse results that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
sides.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay More people decided to have children in their later age than in the past. Why? Do advantages of this outweigh disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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