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More people are spending their free time watching movies, why is this? Is it a good or bad? v.1

More people are spending their free time watching movies, why is this? Is it a good or bad? v. 1
Many underdeveloped countries nowadays face serious problems trying to provide their citizens with decent education and health facilities, as well as in other areas like trade. However, I disagree that developed nations ought to support these countries, and think they should try to stand on their own feet instead. It is usually possible for poor countries to raise enough money to overcome their predicaments since the source of their shortcomings is usually a deep corruption and domestic mismanagement, which have resulted in their funds being embezzled by dishonest officials and their affairs in areas like education, health and trade run by unqualified authorities. If they are in need of support in such areas, they should first make an effort to eradicate the above mentioned issues before asking for aid from the outside world. Furthermore, the money that the governments of developed countries belongs to their citizens because it originates from their taxes, customs duties, and national resources. It should therefore be spent on providing better facilities like health centres and universities, and improving business environments for their own citizens, not for people living elsewhere in the world. Some may argue that the decline in living conditions in developing countries could result in the migration of their citizens to developed countries in search of a better life, which involves serious financial and cultural concerns for rich nations. However, public investment in improving border control and defence structures can render these concerns insignificant. In conclusion, I think developed countries should not aid poor countries, as their funds should be invested in the betterment of life for their own citizens. Undeveloped nations can often overcome their shortcomings in commerce, health and education on their own through eliminating corrupt officials and improving their management practices.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
underdeveloped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
nowadays face serious problems trying to provide their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
with decent education and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
facilities,
as well
as in other areas like trade.
However
, I disagree that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developed
nations ought to support these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
they should try to stand on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
feet
instead
.

It is
usually
possible for poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
to raise
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money to overcome their predicaments since the source of their shortcomings is
usually
a deep corruption and domestic mismanagement, which have resulted in their funds
being embezzled
by dishonest officials and their affairs in areas like education,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and trade run by unqualified authorities. If they are in need of support in such areas, they should
first
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an effort to eradicate the above mentioned issues
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
asking for aid from the outside world.

Furthermore
, the money that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
belongs to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it originates from their taxes, customs duties, and national resources. It should
therefore
be spent
on providing better facilities like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
and universities, and improving business environments for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
, not for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
living elsewhere in the world.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
may
Possible agreement error - use third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "argues".
argue
that the decline in living conditions in developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
could result in the migration of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
in search of a better life, which involves serious financial and cultural concerns for rich nations.
However
, public investment in improving border control and
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
structures can render these concerns insignificant.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
should not aid poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, as their funds should
be invested
in the betterment of life for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
. Undeveloped nations can
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
overcome their shortcomings in commerce,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and education on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
through eliminating corrupt officials and improving their management practices.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Learn a language, and you’ll avoid a war.
Arab Proverb

IELTS essay More people are spending their free time watching movies, why is this? Is it a good or bad? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
291 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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