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More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words. v.12

More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. v. 12
Overweight among children is increasing at an alarming rate in developing countries. There are many causes of obesity and it comes with its own effects. I am going to discuss these in this essay. There has been an increase and the availability of fast foods which are always high in cholesterol and unhealthy fat. These substances promote health issues such as cardiovascular diseases that can lead to death. Research by the American Health Society shows a correlation between foods high in cholesterol and heart diseases. Additionally, there is easy access of these foods which encourages children to consume them for example, in school canteens, vending machines and restaurants. Therefore, the more fast foods consumed, the more health issues among children rises. As a result, this puts pressure on the countries' health institutions as more money from taxpayers is used to treat these diseases. Another point is that parents are living sedentary lifestyles and their children look up to them as role models hence they end up adapting to this. For example, parents who work 9 to 5 jobs hardly have time to exercise or encourage their offsprings to live an active lifestyle. Children instead spend most of their time indoors watching television or playing video games. This results in obese children and they end up lacking self confidence while growing up. A study from Canada showed that children who were considered fat were bullied in schools. In conclusion, fast foods and sedentary lifestyle causes obesity among children and this affects their overall physical and mental health and also confidence in a negative way.
Overweight among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is increasing at an alarming rate in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
causes of obesity and it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
effects. I am going to discuss these in this essay.

There has been an increase and the availability of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
which are always high in cholesterol and unhealthy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
. These substances promote
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issues such as cardiovascular diseases that can lead to death. Research by the American
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Health
Society
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
a correlation between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
high in cholesterol and heart diseases.
Additionally
, there is easy access of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
which encourages
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to consume them
for example
, in school canteens, vending machines and restaurants.
Therefore
, the more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
consumed, the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issues among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
rises.
As a result
, this puts pressure on the countries'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
institutions as more money from taxpayers is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to treat these diseases.

Another point is that parents are living sedentary lifestyles and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
look up to them as role models
hence
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up adapting to this.
For example
, parents who work 9 to 5 jobs hardly have time to exercise or encourage their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
an active lifestyle.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
instead
spend most of their time indoors watching television or playing video games. This results in obese
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
children and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up lacking
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self confidence
while growing up. A study from Canada
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
were considered
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
were bullied
in schools.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and sedentary lifestyle causes obesity among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and this affects their
overall
physical and mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and
also
confidence in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
way.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. v. 12

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
263 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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