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More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. v.14

More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. v. 14
One of the most conspicuous trends in today's world is obesity in rich nations. Modern lifestyles and eating habits are having a huge impact on teenagers in gaining weight. On the other hand, medical experts suggest that to avoid the inevitable parents should interfere in fast food intake and encourage traditional healthy diet for better living. In my view, there are many factors that are involved and this essay will explain the pros and cons in detail. Firstly, excessive intake of instant food can lead to obesity in children especially in developed countries. Money driven workforce is the main reason why parents are focusing on professional achievements and neglecting family members. Moreover, with no proper supervision, children are addicted to junk food rich in sugar and gain weight. For instance, a recent survey suggests that working parents' children are obese compared to others. Needless to say, working parents should feel responsible and monitor food intakes of their kids. Secondly, another pivotal aspect is that obesity is the main reason for early deaths in children. Many health organisation reveal that high level of sugar and fat foods can lead to early cardiovascular diseases in both adults and teenagers. For example, recent statistics reveal that if the junk food intake goes on in the next few decades, human life expectancy will be reduced to 60 years is what seemed by health experts. Hence, people should adapt to eat healthy food items and avoid the unhealthy stuff to stay fit and healthy. In conclusion, one can clearly understand that parents should avoid unhealthy practices and encourage children to eat healthy food to live life king size. Finally, the role of parents in obesity elimination is too dire to ignore.
One of the most conspicuous trends in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world is obesity in rich nations. Modern lifestyles and eating habits are having a huge impact on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
in gaining weight.
On the other hand
, medical experts suggest that to avoid the inevitable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should interfere in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
intake
and encourage traditional healthy diet for better living. In my view, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
factors that
are involved
and this essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the pros and cons in detail.

Firstly
, excessive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
intake
of instant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
can lead to obesity in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
especially
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
. Money driven workforce is the main reason why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are focusing on professional achievements and neglecting family members.
Moreover
, with no proper supervision,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are addicted
to junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
rich in sugar and gain weight.
For instance
, a recent survey suggests that working parents'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are obese compared to others. Needless to say, working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should feel responsible and monitor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
intakes
of their kids.

Secondly
, another pivotal aspect is that obesity is the main reason for early deaths in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Possible agreement error. The noun health seems to be uncountable; consider using: "much health", "a good deal of health".
Many health
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
reveal that high level of sugar and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
can lead to early cardiovascular diseases in both adults and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
.
For example
, recent statistics reveal that if the junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
intake
goes on in the
next
few decades, human life expectancy will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
to 60 years is what seemed by health experts.
Hence
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should adapt to eat healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
items and avoid the unhealthy stuff to stay fit and healthy.

In conclusion
, one can
clearly
understand that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should avoid unhealthy practices and encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to eat healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
life
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
king size
.
Finally
, the role of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
in obesity elimination is too dire to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
The conquest of learning is achieved through the knowledge of languages.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. v. 14

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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