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More and more students at university today are not choosing to study science. Why is this happening? What are the effects of this? v.3

More and more students at university today are not choosing to study science. Why is this happening? What are the effects of this? v. 3
Fewer undergraduates today than ever before are opting to pursue careers in science. This is because business related subjects offer greater financial security and this will result in less overall talent in scientific fields. The main reason that discipline majors are dwindling is the lure of business. Studying a scientific subject such as biology or chemistry requires intense specification, long hours in labs, and unstable future career options. Business related majors, on the other hand, are guaranteed an easier path to a good salary and the esteem of others. Good evidence of this comes in the form of all the majors related to commerce rapidly growing in popularity, including marketing, finance, corporate law, banking, and economics. Parents often put pressure on their children to major in these subjects to secure a minimum level of financial success and raise the ceiling on future earning potential. Firstly, the impact will be felt in an overall decrease of talent in structure and behaviour of the physical and natural world through observation and experiment. Secondly, in the past, this subject tended to attract the best and brightest students who saw it as a path to personal wealth, glory and the public good. For instance, in the decades leading up to World War 2 when advances in medicine and technology of bright individuals like Marie Curie, Alexander Fleming, and Albert Einstein made them immortal role models. Today, our role models are more likely to be businessmen of a sort such as Steve Jobs, Warren Buffet, and Donald Trump. This is not only evidence of the societal shift, but also portends fewer great figures in science going forward. In conclusion, business has siphoned off potential science majors and this will result in fewer high quality scientists. It is important to highlight the achievements of scientists and denigrate businessmen in order to curb this alarming trend.
Fewer undergraduates
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
are opting to pursue careers in science. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
offer greater financial security and this will result in less
overall
talent in scientific fields.

The main reason that discipline
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
majors
are dwindling is the lure of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
. Studying a scientific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
such as biology or chemistry requires intense specification, long hours in labs, and unstable future career options.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Business
related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
majors
,
on the other hand
,
are guaranteed
an easier path to a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
salary and the esteem of others.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Good
evidence of this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
in the form of all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
majors
related to commerce
rapidly
growing in popularity, including marketing, finance, corporate law, banking, and economics. Parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
put pressure on their children to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
to secure a minimum level of financial success and raise the ceiling on future earning potential.

Firstly
, the impact will
be felt
in an
overall
decrease of talent in structure and
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of the physical and natural world through observation and experiment.
Secondly
, in the past, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
tended to attract the best and brightest students who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
it as a path to personal wealth, glory and the public
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
.
For instance
, in the decades leading up to World War 2 when advances in medicine and technology of bright individuals like Marie Curie, Alexander Fleming, and Albert Einstein made them immortal role models.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, our role models are more likely to be businessmen of a sort such as Steve Jobs, Warren Buffet, and Donald Trump. This is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
evidence of the societal shift,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
portends fewer great figures in science going forward.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
has siphoned off potential science
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
majors
and this will result in fewer high quality scientists. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to highlight the achievements of scientists and denigrate businessmen in order to curb this alarming trend.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes

IELTS essay More and more students at university today are not choosing to study science. Why is this happening? What are the effects of this? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
9
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 9.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 9.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 9.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 9.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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