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More and more people would like to pay more attention to the famous people who have achieved huge success in areas, such as cinema, sports. Why they attract much interest from people? Do you think it good or bad? v.2

More and more people would like to pay more attention to the famous people who have achieved huge success in areas, such as cinema, sports. Why they attract much interest from people? Do you think it good or bad? v. 2
Humanitarian education teaches various social topics from a humanitarian perspective. However important our academic careers may be for us, a certain iota of humanity is always expected from us as being the superior living beings on earth. Whether we need to study specialized subjects for such a quality to develop in us is a debatable issue. The people who opine that studying such subjects is a waste of time may believe so, keeping in mind that many academic curriculum is set and rarely changes. Therefore, the history, literature or philosophy that is taught is done from a text-bookish perspective, and does not give in-depth knowledge of the same. Also, people feel that memorizing dates and facts, sources of the origin of a language, or brooding on lessons derived from life hardly matter when we go out in search of work. On the contrary, humanitarian education particularly relates to offering assistance to others in an emergency or crisis and is also used to refer to the skills, knowledge and attitudes needed for individuals and communities to help themselves. In the hostile environment we are living nowadays, the goal of humanitarian education of communities increasing their resilience and individuals and groups becoming confident, able and willing to help themselves and others when faced with a crisis, is something that can obviously not be developed on our own. I believe we need to look beyond the established stereotyping of history, literature and philosophy as subjects and need to broaden our mentality. Apart from the much popular career choices that rake in our desired amount of money, the historians, literary scholars and philosophers too play an important role in our societies. The teachings and observations of Karl Marx, Aristotle, Socrates, Robert Louis Stevenson, Mark Twain and many such other personalities are still cited today for reference. Summarizing this essay we can conclude that classifying humanitarian subjects as having no value for future careers is narrow minded. These subjects are also as important as any other, when being chosen for a thorough study so as to make a career out of them.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Humanitarian
education teaches various social topics from a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humanitarian
perspective.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
our academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
may be for us, a certain iota of humanity is always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
from us as being the superior living beings on earth. Whether we need to study specialized
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
for such a quality to develop in us is a debatable issue.

The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who opine that studying such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
is a waste of time may believe
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, keeping in mind that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
academic curriculum
is set
and rarely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
.
Therefore
, the history, literature or philosophy that
is taught
is done
from a text-bookish perspective, and does not give in-depth knowledge of the same.
Also
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
feel that memorizing dates and facts, sources of the origin of a language, or brooding on lessons derived from life hardly matter when we go out in search of work.

On the contrary
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humanitarian
education
particularly
relates to offering assistance to others in an emergency or crisis and is
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to refer to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, knowledge and attitudes needed for individuals and communities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
themselves. In the hostile environment we are living nowadays, the goal of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humanitarian
education of communities increasing their resilience and individuals and groups becoming confident, able and willing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
themselves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
when faced with a crisis, is something that can
obviously
not
be developed
on our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.

I believe we need to look beyond the established stereotyping of history, literature and philosophy as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
and need to broaden our mentality. Apart from the much popular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
choices that rake in our desired amount of money, the historians, literary scholars and philosophers too play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in our societies. The teachings and observations of Karl Marx, Aristotle, Socrates, Robert Louis Stevenson, Mark Twain and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
personalities are
still
cited
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
for reference.

Summarizing this essay we can conclude that classifying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humanitarian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
as having no value for future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
is
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
narrow minded
. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are
also
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
as any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
, when
being chosen
for a thorough study
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
out of them.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay More and more people would like to pay more attention to the famous people who have achieved huge success in areas, such as cinema, sports. Why they attract much interest from people? Do you think it good or bad? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
347 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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