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Some people say the amount of time watching TV affects children’s behavior the most while others say that what they watch matters more. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion. v.2

Some people say the amount of time watching TV affects children’s behavior the most while others say that what they watch matters more. v. 2
Supervising children on watching TV has always been a controversial issue. Some people argue that the amount on time is what affects behavior the most of children while other people argue that the contents are what affects children the most. First of all, it is true that the amount of time can impact on children’s behavior. Watching television for too long can negatively affect children. This can lead children to develop a bad habit of leaving TV on all the time when they are eating or doing homework. This can hinder children from concentrating other factors that are important in their life. This, the amount spent on watching television should be strictly monitored by their caregivers. Nevertheless, I believe it is the contents of the television that affects the children the most. It is because children often cannot tell the difference between the reality and the fantasy shown on television. The news about a kid jumping off a building or a tree thinking he has a supernatural ability to fly proves this. Also, many researches have proven that children who watched violent contents developed more violent disposition and personality than children who did not watch them. Therefore, caregiver’s supervision about what children watch is very important. In conclusion, I believe that what children view influences the behavior of children more than how long children watch TV. However, the time spent on watching TV also has impact on their behavior so both aspects needed to be supervised by their parents.
Supervising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
on watching TV has always been a controversial issue.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that the amount on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is what
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affects
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
the most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
while other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that the contents are what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
affects
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children
the most.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is true that the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
can impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
. Watching
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television
for too long can
negatively
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affect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. This can lead
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to develop a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habit of leaving TV on all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
when they are eating or doing homework. This can hinder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from concentrating other factors that are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in their life.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
This
, the amount spent on watching
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television
should be
strictly
monitored by their caregivers.

Nevertheless
, I believe it is the contents of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
affects
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
the most. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
the difference between the reality and the fantasy shown on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
. The news about a kid jumping off a building or a tree thinking he has a supernatural ability to
fly
proves this.
Also
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
researches have proven that
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children
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watched
violent contents developed more violent disposition and personality than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
them.
Therefore
, caregiver’s supervision about what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.

In conclusion
, I believe that what
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children
view influences the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
more than how long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
TV.
However
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
spent on watching TV
also
has impact on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
both aspects needed to
be supervised
by their parents.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
I am always sorry when any language is lost, because languages are the pedigrees of nations.
Samuel Johnson

IELTS essay Some people say the amount of time watching TV affects children’s behavior the most while others say that what they watch matters more. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
249 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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