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More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people say that raising the price of fast foods will solve the problems. To what extend do you agree or disagree? v.11

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people say that raising the price of fast foods will solve the problems. v. 11
Obesity is becoming a major issue of the present time because numerous folks are reported as obese due to unusual eating habits. Certain people believe that, if the cost of junk will increase there will be declined in number of junk food consumers, thus, this how the problem will resolve. This essay will 70% concur with the above notion, but rest 30% not sure due to people's attitude, therefore, following essay will discuss how the increasing cost affects the number of people's eating habits and secondly, why some individual does not concern about the cost. On the one hand, primarily, the high price of fast food inhibits people from eating due to financial imbalance which can be affected by the wasting money on the unnecessary things. As a result, one would prefer to have home-made healthy cuisine rather than junk food. Hence, their life would become more fit and fine. For example, our forefathers had lived more than 80 years and their average life expectancy was 60 due to healthy and home-made cuisine. On the other hand, few folks do not care whether the price of the junk meals is rising or not, as far as they are happy and love to eat those kind of food. This is due to their wrong nurturing where their lack of information about the health and future problem by their guardian. For instance, a UK health department study has shown that 70% of children are unaware since childhood about the importance of fitness and thus they continue to eat random cuisine which satisfy their cravings. However, this kind of people are less in number or maybe they are rich so that they can afford it. In conclusion, As far as I can see, I do not think so, more than 30% people continue to eat unhealthy meals, because of the inflation. Nevertheless, if the government takes some actions toward the awareness program, then I definitely believe that there ill be a reduction in overweight problem.
Obesity is becoming a major issue of the present time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
numerous folks
are reported
as obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to unusual eating habits. Certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that, if the cost of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
will increase there will
be declined
in number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
consumers,
thus
, this how the problem will resolve. This essay will 70% concur with the above notion,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
rest 30% not sure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's attitude,
therefore
, following essay will discuss how the increasing cost affects the number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's eating habits and
secondly
, why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individual does not concern about the cost.

On the one hand,
primarily
, the high price of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
inhibits
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from eating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to financial imbalance which can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by the wasting money on the unnecessary things.
As a result
, one would prefer to have home-made healthy cuisine
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
Hence
, their life would become more fit and fine.
For example
, our forefathers had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
more than 80 years and their average life expectancy was 60
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to healthy and home-made cuisine.

On the other hand
, few folks do not care whether the price of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
meals is rising or not, as far as they are happy and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to eat
Did you mean "this kind" or "those kinds"?
those kind
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. This is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
nurturing where their lack of information about the health and future problem by their guardian.
For instance
, a UK health department study has shown that 70% of children are unaware since childhood about the importance of fitness and
thus
they continue to eat random cuisine which satisfy their cravings.
However
, this kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
A more concise phrase may lose no meaning and sound more powerful.
less in number
or maybe they are rich
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can afford it.

In conclusion
, As far as I can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
, I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, more than 30%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
continue to eat unhealthy meals,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the inflation.
Nevertheless
, if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
takes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
actions toward the awareness program, then I definitely believe that there ill be a reduction in overweight problem.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages knows nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people say that raising the price of fast foods will solve the problems. v. 11

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
332 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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