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More and more media attention is being paid to famous people who are successful in sports and movies. Why do you think this is happening? Is this a good thing? v.2

More and more media attention is being paid to famous people who are successful in sports and movies. Why do you think this is happening? Is this a good thing? v. 2
Media plays an important role to make public aware of the things happened around them. But, media is paying attention towards the life of well-known individuals for example, sports players, actors and actresses instead of showing any other news. There are several reasons behind this trend. In my opinion, this has a bad impact on the society. Nowadays, radio, television, newspaper, instances of media are full of news related to famous people. The predominant cause of this happening is that community has adopted film-stars and sportsmen as their role model and want to know about their lifestyle. Hence, media broadcasts what people want to see, in order to improve its Television Rating Point. Another, reason is that media do not have any other news to present to the society. However, to run their business, they present the personal life of the stars such as where they had their dinner, when they arrived to airport from their trip and even about their children as well as family matters. But, this is bad practice as it is illegal to expose someone' s personal life in front of others. It may arouse various issues which lead to dreadful conditions in the country, for instance, strikes. Moreover, mind of the youngsters is similar to sponge and absorbs whatever they see or hear. They try to copy the lifestyles of their favourites and start drinking, smoking, gambling which give rise to social evils in the society for example, indulge into fights with other fellows without any reason, after drinking they are not in their senses and driving while drinking causes accidents, when they do not get money to smoke or drink then they steal money and other expensive things, rape cases and list goes on. To conclude, I would like to say that displaying anyone' s personal life on media is illegal practice and lead to various problems. So, government should ban such activities. Instead, productive programs related to education, traditions of other culture, talks with specialists, etctera should be aired for the welfare of the nation.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Media
plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
public aware of the things happened around them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
is paying attention towards the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
of well-known individuals
for example
, sports players, actors and actresses
instead
of showing any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
news. There are several reasons behind this trend. In my opinion, this has a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
impact on the society.

Nowadays, radio, television, newspaper, instances of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
are full of news related to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. The predominant cause of this happening is that community has adopted film-stars and sportsmen as their role model and want to know about their lifestyle.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
broadcasts what
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
, in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
its Television Rating Point.

Another, reason is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
do not have any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
news to present to the society.
However
, to run their business, they present the personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
of the stars such as where they had their dinner, when they arrived to airport from their trip and even about their children
as well
as family matters.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, this is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
practice as it is illegal to expose
Possible spelling mistake found.
someone&
#039; s personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
in front of others. It may arouse various issues which lead to dreadful conditions in the country,
for instance
, strikes.
Moreover
, mind of the youngsters is similar to sponge and absorbs whatever they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
or hear. They try to copy the lifestyles of their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourites' is British English.
favourites
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
drinking, smoking, gambling which give rise to social evils in the society
for example
, indulge into fights with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
fellows without any reason, after drinking they are not in their senses and driving while drinking causes accidents, when they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
money to smoke or drink then they steal money and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
expensive things, rape cases and list goes on.

To conclude
, I would like to say that displaying
Possible spelling mistake found.
anyone&
#039; s personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
is illegal practice and lead to various problems.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should ban such activities.
Instead
, productive programs related to education, traditions of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
culture, talks with specialists,
Possible spelling mistake found.
etctera
should
be aired
for the welfare of the nation.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay More and more media attention is being paid to famous people who are successful in sports and movies. Why do you think this is happening? Is this a good thing? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
342 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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