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More and more companies are allowing employees to work at home. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? v.9

More and more companies are allowing employees to work at home. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? v. 9
It is true that many companies are starting to allow their employees to work at their house. Hence, there is a reduction of their presence in their working place. In this essay I will discuss the benefits and drawbacks of this development before giving my opinion. On the one hand, despite their absence at their working place, it might bring many benefits for both employees and companies. First of all, with an unnecessary obligation to go to their office, the workers can directly work at their home without using their polluting vehicles. As a result, there would be a decrease of air pollution. Secondly, a company could hire an employee without having an own office. Hence, it could reduce the expenditure of the rent for the company and increase their monthly income. Finally, with the workers who stay at home, they could spend more time with family, especially with their children since there is an increasing absence of their presence in children's childhood. On the other hand, despite the advantages this development might bring, there are some disadvantages which should not be underestimated. Firstly, the employees who work at their house could rise laziness, and without any supervisor who controls them this increase could dramatically rise and, consequently, the company income and productivity may be affected. Furthermore, there is a possibility that will be a less socializes and contact with physical people. For instance, a worker who normally works 12 hours per day might seem difficult for him that would go outside since there is not necessary need for going outside, but only for primary needs such as food. In conclusion, working at home is a new way of working in our futurist society, thanks to all technologies which allow us to test it. As far as I am concerned, I considered it as a positive development for all its benefits that can bring to our society.
It is true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
are starting to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
.
Hence
, there is a reduction of their presence in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
place. In this essay I will discuss the benefits and drawbacks of this development
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
giving my opinion.

On the one hand, despite their absence at their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
place, it might bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits for both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, with an unnecessary obligation to go to their office, the workers can
directly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at their home without using their polluting vehicles.
As a result
, there would be a decrease of air pollution.
Secondly
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
could hire an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
without having an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
office.
Hence
, it could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the expenditure of the rent for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
and increase their monthly income.
Finally
, with the workers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
stay at home, they could spend more time with family,
especially
with their children since there is an increasing absence of their presence in children's childhood.

On the other hand
, despite the advantages this development might bring, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages which should not
be underestimated
.
Firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
could rise laziness, and without any supervisor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
controls them this increase could
dramatically
rise and,
consequently
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
income and productivity may be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
.
Furthermore
, there is a possibility that will be
Probably a noun is missing in this part of the sentence.
a less
socializes and contact with physical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
For instance
, a worker
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
normally
works 12 hours per day might seem difficult for him that would go outside since there is not necessary need for going outside,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for primary needs such as food.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
at home is a new way of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in our futurist society, thanks to all technologies which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
us to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
test
it. As far as I
am concerned
, I considered it as a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development for all its benefits that can bring to our society.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay More and more companies are allowing employees to work at home. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
317 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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