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More and more companies are allowing employees to work at home. Do you think it is a positive or negative development? v.2

More and more companies are allowing employees to work at home. Do you think it is a positive or negative development? v. 2
With the advance of technology and the Internet, employees have a chance to work in different places which is suitable such as at home. In my opinion, this change is a positive development in working more productively. First of all, it depends on the company current situation to consider whether to allow employees to work at home. For instance, designer or coder need varied environment where they can open their minds and help them to improve creative thinking. In the meanwhile, the workplace at companies and corporations is too strict and noisy for them. Furthermore, the widespread of the Internet is also a benefit. Employees can discuss and perform works via telecommuting. Working at home also help them to arrange their timetable and save a plenty of hidden money. These include the car purchasing, fuel cost, park cost. . . In contrast, some people claim that working in the companies is more productive. We are always surrounded around people, but at home, employees are likely to be alone. This may lead to a lack of interaction. Moreover, in the companies, they are always being led or instructed if they have any questions or problems. And the most important thing is the feeling of being over comfortable at home, we almost do not focus on the assignment and work poorly. In conclusion, Although this development may have, the pros and cons, sides, it is still a positive change for humans in general and for employees.
With the advance of technology and the Internet,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
have a chance to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
places which is suitable such as at home. In my opinion, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development in working more
productively
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it depends on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
situation to consider whether to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at home.
For instance
, designer or coder need varied environment where they can open their minds and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
creative thinking. In the meanwhile, the workplace at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
and corporations is too strict and noisy for them.
Furthermore
,
The phrase 'the widespread of' is not correct. Use a noun, not an adjective, between 'the' and 'of'.
the widespread of
the Internet is
also
a benefit.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Employees
can discuss and perform works via telecommuting. Working at home
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to arrange their timetable and save a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of hidden money. These include the car purchasing, fuel cost, park cost.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.


In contrast
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
claim that working in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
is more productive. We are always surrounded around
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
at home,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
are likely to be alone. This may lead to a lack of interaction.
Moreover
, in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
, they are always
being led
or instructed if they have any questions or problems. And the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
thing is the feeling of being over comfortable at home, we almost do not focus on the assignment and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
poorly
.

In conclusion
, Although this development may have, the pros and cons, sides, it is
still
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
for humans
in general
and for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay More and more companies are allowing employees to work at home. Do you think it is a positive or negative development? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
244 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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