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Money spent on exploration of space is a complete waste it could be spend more effectively on improvements of living of people To what extent do u agree disagree v.1

Money spent on exploration of space is a complete waste it could be spend more effectively on improvements of living of people 1
In this day and age, many people prefer to be self-employed than to work for a company or organization. While being self-employed is occurred by various reasons, it also has some drawbacks to consider. Both views will be discussed throughout the following paragraphs. There are some clear reasons as to why many people decide to be own boss. The first and possibly the most obvious reason is workers always wanting to avoid conflict with colleagues, resulting in being a happier employee. The worker, consequently, might have competition with their co-workers. Due to the fact that they desire to receive a high salary or income, they tend to push themselves to a higher position such as CEO, banker and a government officer. Not only would there be a crucial reason for avoiding conflicts with partners, but also people no longer trust large corporations, resulting from a numerous number of large companies that are predicted to be bankrupt in a few decades. This means their careers are likely to unstable. On the other hand, there are conceivably some drawbacks of self-employed. The most important one is welfare, people who run their own business have no welfare that is allocated by organizations. Pregnant women, for instance, will receive medical expenses for around half of the total, whereas power business might pay the full expense. Risk is another adverse effect, because working alone  can bring a lot of pressure, further causing more stress for that individual. Therefore, they need to have a readiness for economic fluctuations and their income going unstable that could lead to significant failure. In conclusion, even though some people argue that those who have their own business are contributing to negative effects subsequently. From my perspective, I firmly believe that people can gain a lot of benefits from this and far easier to cooperate with other companies.
In this day and age,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer to be
Use "(self-employed)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
self-employed
than to work for a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
or organization. While being self-employed
is occurred
by various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
, it
also
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks to consider. Both views will
be discussed
throughout the following paragraphs.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
as to why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
decide to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
boss. The
first
and
possibly
the most obvious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
is workers always wanting to avoid conflict with colleagues, resulting in being a happier employee. The worker,
consequently
, might have competition with their co-workers. Due to the fact that they desire to receive a high salary or income, they tend to push themselves to a higher position such as CEO, banker and a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
officer. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
would there be a crucial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
for avoiding conflicts with partners,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
no longer trust large corporations, resulting from a numerous number of large
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
that
are predicted
to be bankrupt in a few decades. This means their careers are likely
Did you mean "too"?
to
unstable.

On the other hand
, there are
conceivably
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks of self-employed. The most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
one is welfare,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who run their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business have no welfare that
is allocated
by organizations. Pregnant women,
for instance
, will receive medical expenses for around half of the total, whereas power business might pay the full expense.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Risk
is another adverse effect,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
 working alone
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
can bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
pressure,
further
causing more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
for that individual.
Therefore
, they need to have a readiness for economic fluctuations and their income going unstable that could lead to significant failure.

In conclusion
,
even though
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that those who have their 
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business are contributing to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects
subsequently
. From my perspective, I
firmly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can gain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
benefits from this and far easier to cooperate with other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Money spent on exploration of space is a complete waste it could be spend more effectively on improvements of living of people 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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