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Money should be spent on creating new public buildings, such as museums and town halls, rather than renovating existing ones. To what extent do you agree or disagree v.1

Money should be spent on creating new public buildings, such as museums and town halls, rather than renovating existing ones. v. 1
In the modern world, while many pupils are focusing on learning all subjects in order to achieve higher average marks, others think that they should only concentrate on their biased courses. From my perspective, I did believe that students must study every subject as they might need them someday. To begin with, it is undoubtedly true that learning every single subject will do you good. Firstly, it will provide you a huge amount of fundamental and basic knowledge in different spheres which is a cornerstone for each individual to reach the peak of glory. Another advantage of this is that you would become more intellectual since it will enrich your intelligence. For example, as we all know that the more you learn, the smarter you will be. Last but not least, having a wide range of understanding in various fields might aid you cultivate people’s interest. For instance, every girl like an intelligent guy, on account of this, they will admire him or prefer to talk with him. On the other hand, focusing on their favourite or gifted subjects might possibly have a positive effect on people. This idea indeed will make youngsters enjoy their learning more and get motivated to study. For example, students who don’t good at some topics will no longer have to worry about this as they don’t need to force themselves to learn so hard anymore. Hence, in order to have a job in the future, they should develop their personal skills. In conclusion, as I have said in the beginning, I think that teenagers not only should learn in every area, but they can also spend more time with their gifted one.
In the modern world, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
pupils are focusing on learning all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
in order to achieve higher average marks, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
concentrate on their biased courses. From my perspective, I did believe that students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
study every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
as they might need them someday.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it is
undoubtedly
true that learning every single
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
will do you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
.
Firstly
, it will provide you a huge amount of fundamental and basic knowledge in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
spheres which is a cornerstone for each individual to reach the peak of glory. Another advantage of this is that you would become more intellectual since it will enrich your intelligence.
For example
, as we all know that the more you learn, the smarter you will be. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least, having a wide range of understanding in various fields might aid you cultivate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s interest.
For instance
, every girl like an intelligent guy, on account of this, they will admire him or prefer to talk with him.

On the other hand
, focusing on their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
or gifted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
might
possibly
have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
indeed
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
youngsters enjoy their learning more and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
motivated to study.
For example
, students who don’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
topics will no longer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
worry about this as they don’t need to force themselves to learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
anymore.
Hence
, in order to have a job in the future, they should develop their personal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

In conclusion
, as I have said in the beginning, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
should learn in every area,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they can
also
spend more time with their gifted one.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Money should be spent on creating new public buildings, such as museums and town halls, rather than renovating existing ones. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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