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Money is important in most people’s lives. Although some people think it is more important than others. What do you feel are the right uses of money? What other factors are important for a good life? v.4

Money is important in most people’s lives. Although some people think it is more important than others. What do you feel are the right uses of money? What other factors are important for a good life? v. 4
Money has an important impact on most people’s lives. It is not always that a rich person is happy: you can buy a lot of things with money but happiness is something which cannot be bought. The first point is indeed financial wealth is an unavoidable part in a human’s life. It helps to provide the means for people to develop themselves – by supporting children’s growth, education and interests, train to develop skill to a high level and as a result, living of people depends on how much they are earning. A second way is supporting better health care system. For instance, in some countries, affluent person will get advanced and better health care in a hospital; however, it will not be possible if they are in poverty. Money is also necessary for many cultural interests: attending concerts, travelling. On the other hand, financial freedom cannot bring happiness to an individual. Considering other factors like, family and friends have a major impact on everyone. Money cannot help you if we lack a family and friends. Everyone will go through an emotional situation where we need a back support. Being nice to others and accepted by people for what we have done also add value. We need to be useful and help others and also, we can feel happiness while sipping a cup of tea sitting on their balcony or reading a book. In conclusion, money is not the only most important factor in developing a good life, but with it help people can afford materials wealth.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
has an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
impact on most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. It is not always that a rich person is happy: you can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
things with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
happiness is something which cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
.

The
first
point is
indeed
financial wealth is an unavoidable part in a human’s life. It
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
to provide the means for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to develop themselves
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
by supporting children’s growth, education and interests, train
Did you mean "developing"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'train' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to develop
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
to a high level and
as a result
, living of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
depends on how much they are earning. A second way is supporting better health care system.
For instance
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries, affluent person will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
advanced and better health care in a hospital;
however
, it will not be possible if they are in poverty.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
is
also
necessary for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cultural interests: attending concerts, travelling.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, financial freedom cannot bring happiness to an individual. Considering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
factors like, family and friends have a major impact on everyone.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
cannot
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
you if we lack a family and friends. Everyone will go through an emotional situation where we need a back support. Being nice to others and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
for what we have done
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
value. We need to be useful and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
others and
also
, we can feel happiness while sipping a cup of tea sitting on their balcony or reading a book.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is not the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor in developing a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
with it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can afford materials wealth.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay Money is important in most people’s lives. Although some people think it is more important than others. What do you feel are the right uses of money? What other factors are important for a good life? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
257 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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