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Money is important in most people's lives. Although some people think it is more important than the others. What do you feel are the right uses of money? What other factors are important for a good life? v.3

Money is important in most people's lives. Although some people think it is more important than the others. What do you feel are the right uses of money? What other factors are important for a good life? v. 3
It is true that school children are at an impressionable age, and two strong influences on their intelligence and social development are teachers and parents. While I accept that teachers may have more influence on the intelligence of their pupils, I would argue that parents probably exert a greater influence on the social development of their children. In terms of encouraging the intellectual development and stimulating the intelligence of school children, I believe that teachers play the major role. While not all teachers are capable of inspiring their students, they are trained to impart their knowledge of their subject areas in challenging and imaginative ways. For example, some students owe their lifelong love of a subject to dedicated teachers who taught this discipline in secondary school. Of course, at home parents may also reinforce this passion by encouraging study habits during the formative years of their children. Such support is vital for academic achievement. From the perspective of social development, I think that parents are mainly responsible for guiding their children. Firstly, they spend far more time with their children than any individual teacher is able to do. They can therefore monitor the activities of children outside school hours, at weekends and during holidays. Secondly, parents are able to provide role models in a whole range of situations. These might include showing respect towards elders, choice of friends, or proper behaviour in public when eating out in restaurants. In conclusion, although teachers probably have a greater effect in stimulating the intelligence of school children, parental influences on the development of children are stronger in social situations.
It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are at an impressionable age, and two strong
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
influences
on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
intelligence
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. While I accept that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
may have more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
influence
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
intelligence
of their pupils, I would argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
probably
exert a greater
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
influence
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of their children.

In terms of encouraging the intellectual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
and stimulating the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
intelligence
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
play the major role. While not all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
are capable of inspiring their students, they
are trained
to impart their knowledge of their subject areas in challenging and imaginative ways.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
students owe their lifelong
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
of a subject to dedicated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
who taught this discipline in secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
Of course
, at home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
may
also
reinforce this passion by encouraging study habits during the formative years of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Such support is vital for academic achievement.

From the perspective of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are
mainly
responsible for guiding their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Firstly
, they spend far more time with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
than any individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teacher
is able to do. They can
therefore
monitor the activities of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
outside
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
hours, at weekends and during holidays.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are able to provide role models in a whole range of situations. These might include showing respect towards elders, choice of friends, or proper
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
in public when eating out in restaurants.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
probably
have a greater effect in stimulating the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
intelligence
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, parental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
influences
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are stronger in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
situations.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
I am always sorry when any language is lost, because languages are the pedigrees of nations.
Samuel Johnson

IELTS essay Money is important in most people's lives. Although some people think it is more important than the others. What do you feel are the right uses of money? What other factors are important for a good life? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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