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Money and time spent on music classes in schools are not necessary and this budget and time would be better utilised if they are spent on more useful subjects like computer, math and science. v.1

Money and time spent on music classes in schools are not necessary and this budget and time would be better utilised if they are spent on more useful subjects like computer, math and science. v. 1
Since the dawn of time, subjects such as science, computer and music have been included in every school's curriculum. However, throughout history, music has been seen by many that studying music is not that really important compared to those two subjects. It is agreed that children must learn vital subjects like science and computer while music should just be optional. This argument will be proven by looking at how the two subjects are important in life and music is only for recreation. For one, science and computer are important for our daily lives. For example, when I was studying, science class allowed me to learn the process of the scientific method, problem-solving and critical thinking. These are essential in life and I am using these in every decision I make. Also, in my computer class, I learned how to use the internet that is really a vital tool in doing my research in things I need to know. These make it clear that children should learn science and computer. In addition to this, music is just a hobby and it should be optional for children to study. An instance illustrating this action is I. I am not really into music actually, and if I want to learn some sort of this subject, I can just go to the Internet, go to YouTube website where I can watch and study anything. Thus, it is important that the young ones should study computer and the Internet. It is obvious from this that music is not as essential as those of the two mentioned subjects. In conclusion, learning science and computer technology are really useful in our day to day life and music is only for recreation and should just be an option in school. It has been proven that children should learn these essential subjects and music should be optional. Thus, it is recommended for the parents to encourage their children to study hard the science and computer subjects.
Since the dawn of time,
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subjects
such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
, computer and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
have
been included
in every school's curriculum.
However
, throughout history,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
that studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is not that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
really
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
compared to those two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
that
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children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
vital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
and computer while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
should
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
be optional. This argument will
be proven
by looking at how the two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
in life and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for recreation.

For one,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
and computer are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
for our daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
For example
, when I was studying,
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science
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
me to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
the process of the scientific method, problem-solving and critical thinking. These are essential in
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
life and
I am using these in every decision I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
.
Also
, in my computer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
, I learned how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the internet
that is
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really
a vital tool in doing my research in things I need to know. These
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
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children
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
and computer.

In addition
to this,
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music
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a hobby and it should be optional for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
. An instance illustrating this action is I. I am not
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really
into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
actually, and if I want to
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learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sort of this
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subject
, I can
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
go to the Internet, go to YouTube website where I can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
and
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study
anything.
Thus
, it is
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important
that the young ones should
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study
computer and the Internet. It is obvious from this that
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music
is not as essential as those of the two mentioned subjects.

In conclusion
, learning
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science
and computer technology are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
really
useful in our
It appears that two hyphens are missing.
day to day
life and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for recreation and should
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
be an option in school. It has
been proven
that
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children
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
these essential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
should be optional.
Thus
, it
is recommended
for the parents to encourage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
and computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
46Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay Money and time spent on music classes in schools are not necessary and this budget and time would be better utilised if they are spent on more useful subjects like computer, math and science. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
327 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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