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International tourism and international trade are two important aspects of the development of the economy of a country and a country can get numerous benefits from the close relationship it maintains with foreign countries. v.4

International tourism and international trade are two important aspects of the development of the economy of a country and a country can get numerous benefits from the close relationship it maintains with foreign countries. v. 4
There have been always debates about how and where schools should use the available resources. One of these debates is the amount of money and time spent in teaching music. Some people would argue that teaching science or computer has a higher priority but from my point of view, I think that teaching music is as important as teaching any other subjects. In the next paragraphs, I will give my reasons to support this position. First of all, every society consists of a variety of professions. You cannot replace a profession with a different one and expect it to function properly. For example, while you need engineers to build devices and doctors to cure people, you also need musicians and entertainers so that people can enjoy their spare time. Second of all, every child is different and has his/her hobbies, talents and dreams. We cannot focus on certain subjects and ignore others as this will bring up generations who would know a lot of information in fields that they do not really care about. So, in order to have a successful and balanced society, we need people who have passion towards their work and this passion will not come unless we give each subject in school its amount of time and effort. This will give the children the chance to choose the field they will really excel at. Music is very motivational and adding music classes would help children focus on other complex subjects like Algebra and Physics. Many students have a natural talent for music and the teachers would be able to identify them. Thus the possible future musician would be sorted out and nurtured. We do not need a generation full of mathematician and computer programmer. An ideal society needs musicians as much as it needs the technical persons. So music lessons in school level cannot be a waste of money and time. To summarise, I believe giving the time and money for teaching music in schools as much as we give for teaching other subjects will help produce better and more successful society.
There have been always debates about how and where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the available resources. One of these debates is the amount of money and time spent in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teaching
science or computer has a higher priority
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
from my point of view, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
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teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
as
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teaching
any
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other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
. In the
next
paragraphs, I will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
my reasons to support this position.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
consists of a variety of professions. You cannot replace a profession with a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
one and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
it to function
properly
.
For example
, while you
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need
engineers to build devices and doctors to cure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, you
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
musicians and entertainers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can enjoy their spare time.

Second of all, every child is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
and has his/her hobbies, talents and dreams. We cannot focus on certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
others as this will bring up generations who would know
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
information in fields that they do not
really
care about.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, in order to have a successful and balanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have passion towards their work and this passion will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
unless we
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give
each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
its amount of time and effort. This will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
the children the chance to choose the field they will
really
excel at.

Music is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
motivational and adding
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music
classes would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
children focus on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
complex
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like Algebra and Physics.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
students have a natural talent for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and the teachers would be able to identify them.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
the possible future musician would
be sorted
out and nurtured. We do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
a generation full of mathematician and computer programmer. An ideal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
musicians as much as it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
the technical persons.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
lessons in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
level cannot be a waste of money and time.

To
Possible spelling mistake. 'summarise' is British English.
summarise
, I believe giving the time and money for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
as much as we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
produce better and more successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
42Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay International tourism and international trade are two important aspects of the development of the economy of a country and a country can get numerous benefits from the close relationship it maintains with foreign countries. v. 4

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
346 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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