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Modern medical science has made it possible to combat many diseases. This is one reason that people are living longer lives now than they did in the past. Discuss the effects this might have on society. v.1

Modern medical science has made it possible to combat many diseases. This is one reason that people are living longer lives now than they did in the past. Discuss the effects this might have on society. v. 1
Modern medicine and developments in medical science have solved the impossible task of conquering many fatal diseases. Therefore people attain the relief of long, happy and painless lives. Some of the numerous outcomes of this relief are rescue from long-term and painful anxieties, accumulation of concentration on subjects that are usually very difficult to do it under painful circumstances and more significantly the importance of healthy decision-making. Apart from that long accumulated experience of older people are helpful for developing a better society. Firstly, the anxiety of pain absorbs the energy of life in people. Thus individuals with diseases spread this weakness to their environment and also they cannot help it. From the other way, it is almost impossible to illustrate enough attempts and pay sufficient attention to either the issues of family and friends or problems and tasks of their jobs as their other fellows. For example, if there is an occupation takes place like job trips, family organisations, they find it difficult adjust to the mood of other members of family and friends. However, their families try to make them as happy as possible. But these problems have been transcended by appropriate treatments and ill people do not need to feel awful anymore. Nevertheless the most difficult period in life, in my opinion, is ill time. Because illness compels people to change their way of thinking and decision-making, in some cases some people try to even suicide because of the pain. It is the heartbreaking part of the story. Although, today with the cooperation of psychologists and doctors most cases of trauma and suicide can be handled. And many diseases with proper medications and operations can be recovered. The experience of older people who live longer can be useful for the new generation and professionals like teachers, politicians, mathematicians, physicists and social workers can contribute more to the world.
Modern medicine and developments in medical science have solved the impossible task of conquering
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
fatal diseases.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
attain the relief of long, happy and painless
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
numerous outcomes of this relief are rescue from long-term and painful anxieties, accumulation of concentration on subjects that are
usually
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult to do it under painful circumstances and more
significantly
the importance of healthy decision-making. Apart from that long accumulated experience of older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are helpful for developing a better society.

Firstly
, the anxiety of pain absorbs the energy of life in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
individuals with diseases spread this weakness to their environment and
also
they cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
it. From the other way, it is almost impossible to illustrate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
attempts and pay sufficient attention to either the issues of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and friends or problems and tasks of their jobs as their other fellows.
For example
, if there is an occupation takes place like job trips,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
, they find it difficult adjust to the mood of other members of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and friends.

However
, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them as happy as possible.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
these problems have
been transcended
by appropriate treatments and ill
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not need to feel awful anymore.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Nevertheless
the most difficult period in life, in my opinion, is ill time.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
illness compels
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their way of thinking and decision-making, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
try to even suicide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the pain. It is the heartbreaking part of the story.

Although,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
with the cooperation of psychologists and doctors most cases of trauma and suicide can
be handled
. And
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
diseases with proper medications and operations can
be recovered
. The experience of older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
longer can be useful for the new generation and professionals like teachers, politicians, mathematicians, physicists and social workers can contribute more to the world.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Modern medical science has made it possible to combat many diseases. This is one reason that people are living longer lives now than they did in the past. Discuss the effects this might have on society. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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