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Modern communications mean that it s no longer necessary to write letters To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement v.1

Modern communications mean that it s no longer necessary to write letters with this statement v. 1
In recent years, there is a growing recognition of the impact of the popularity of entertainment such as video games on handheld devices on the people, especially teenagers. The issue of whether these kinds of entertainment have negative effects on the individual and the society they live in is open to debate. In my point of view, while I accept that there are some drawbacks of these types of entertainment, I believe that it could bring benefits to our lives. On the one hand, the availability of entertainment could bring advantages to the economy in many ways. First, for those who often work under pressure, playing games would effectively relieve the stress since there would be many challenges and interactions between the players in the games, which could help them temporarily forget about the stressful things. Therefore, it would substantially contribute to the improvement of their mental health, which is a critical factor in their productivity at work. Thus, this would allow them to bring success to the company they work for and make significant innovation for the economy. Second, with the increase in popularity of entertainment, there would be more jobs created in this profession. As a result, the rate of unemployment would be reduced; hence, this would benefit the economy. On the other hand, entertainment on handheld devices brings about various negative impacts on health. Since playing video games on handheld devices involves the players to constantly look at the monitor for a period of time, this could give rise to the damages of some organs such as eyes. Besides, there is also a connection between lack of exercise and obesity, which would make people vulnerable to other diseases. In conclusion, entertainment may bring disadvantages, but it is likely to be helpful if we play in consistent ways.
In recent years, there is a growing recognition of the impact of the popularity of entertainment such as video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on handheld devices on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
especially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
. The issue of whether these kinds of entertainment have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on the individual and the society they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in is open to debate. In my point of view, while I accept that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks of these types of entertainment, I believe that it could
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bring
benefits to our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

On the one hand, the availability of entertainment could
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bring
advantages to the economy in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways.
First
, for those who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
work under pressure, playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
would
effectively
relieve the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
since there would be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
challenges and interactions between the players in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, which could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them
temporarily
forget about the stressful things.
Therefore
, it would
substantially
contribute to the improvement of their mental health, which is a critical factor in their productivity at work.
Thus
, this would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bring
success to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
they work for and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
significant innovation for the economy. Second, with the increase in popularity of entertainment, there would be more jobs created in this profession.
As a result
, the rate of unemployment would be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
;
hence
, this would benefit the economy.

On the other hand
, entertainment on handheld devices
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brings
about various
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on health. Since playing video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on handheld devices involves the players to
constantly
look at the monitor for a period of time, this could give rise to the damages of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
organs such as eyes.
Besides
, there is
also
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
connection between
lack of exercise and obesity, which would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
vulnerable to other diseases.

In conclusion
, entertainment may
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bring
disadvantages,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is likely to be helpful if we play in consistent ways.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages knows nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay Modern communications mean that it s no longer necessary to write letters with this statement v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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