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Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to be meant for adults only. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes and what solutions can be offered. v.3

Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to be meant for adults only. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes and what solutions can be offered. v. 3
Nowadays children are vulnerable to various diseases that are formerly faced by adults. Diseases such as obesity is so common among youngsters. This essay will discuss the reasons why this is happening and put forward plethora of solutions for this issue. The main reason for such diseases are the sedentary lifestyle they are following. In other words, we are living in a globalized society that everyone is striving to leave because of the cutthroat competition they are facing in their work places. Consequently, they spend most of their time in their offices, resulting minimal time for them to cook in their houses. So they compelled to order packet foods and ready to eat foods that are ubiquitous nowadays. Also the food chain groups are swaying their customers, especially children with unprecedented discounts. Moreover, after the taxing job, they do not have adequate time for proper exercise and also, they forget to inculcate their children about the detrimental effects of no exercise and the fatty foods. For instance, a recent study conducted by the world health organisation proved that, world's 60 percent of the teens are affected with diseases caused by fatty foods. We can mimise the effects by giving proper inculcation to children as well as their parents in order to learn the adverse effects of away food and the lack of exercise. Furthermore, the government authorities should regulate the growth of multinational food chains by implementing stringent laws. For example, recently, the Kerala government imposed a fat tax of 15 percentage to all the foods that entails a certain level of fat. In conclusion, children are facing myriads of diseases because of the lifestyle they are pursuing and we can minimize the aftermaths with proper awareness and regulations.
Nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are vulnerable to various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
that are
formerly
faced by adults.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Diseases
such as obesity is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
common among youngsters. This essay will discuss the reasons why this is happening and put forward plethora of solutions for this issue.

The main reason for such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
are the sedentary lifestyle they are following.
In other words
, we are living in a globalized society that everyone is striving to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the cutthroat competition they are facing in their work places.
Consequently
, they spend most of their time in their offices, resulting minimal time for them to cook in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they compelled to order packet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and ready to eat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
that are ubiquitous nowadays.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
chain groups are swaying their customers,
especially
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with unprecedented discounts.
Moreover
, after the taxing job, they do not have adequate time for proper exercise and
also
, they forget to inculcate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
about the detrimental effects of no exercise and the fatty
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
.
For instance
, a recent study conducted by the world health
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
proved that, world's 60 percent of the teens are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
caused by fatty foods.

We can
Possible spelling mistake found.
mimise
the effects by giving proper inculcation to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as well
as their parents in order to learn the adverse effects of away
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and the lack of exercise.
Furthermore
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
authorities should regulate the growth of multinational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
chains by implementing stringent laws.
For example
, recently, the Kerala
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
imposed a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
tax of 15 percentage to all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
that entails a certain level of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are facing myriads of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the lifestyle they are
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
pursuing and
we can minimize the aftermaths with proper awareness and regulations.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
The most intimate temper of a people, its deepest soul, is above all in its language.
Jules Michelet

IELTS essay Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to be meant for adults only. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes and what solutions can be offered. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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