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Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to be meant for adults only. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes and what solutions can be offered? v.11

Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to be meant for adults only. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes and what solutions can be offered? v. 11
Over the last few decades, some countries have reported an overall increase in the average weight of people with more percentage in children and adolescents. It was earlier thought to be a disease of developed countries such as UK, US and other European countries but now the similar trend is also seen in some of the developing countries like India, China and other Asian countries. The foremost reason of the problem lies in the food habits. Traditional and local diet were quite balanced and used to provide an appropriate amount of calories, Minerals and fibres in the diet. Now due to globalisation and influence of media have changed the way we eat. Ready to cook meals are good to taste and can be easily prepared in no time. However, they contain preservatives and lack the freshness of homemade food. Fresh leafy vegetables and fruits have virtually disappeared from our plates. Many people in today’s world are physically inactive and live a sedentary life. Earlier, a lot of emphases was given on outdoor activities and games as football, cricket, and also working in farms. There were plenty of playgrounds available for sporting activities. Nowadays, most of the children are glued to TV, the Internet for watching TV shows and playing games. As we progress in the field of technology more, we have become lazy, inactive and sedentary. This lack of physical activity and changed eating habits, both have contributed to increase in the incidence of obesity all around the world. To tackle this problem is of utmost importance and needs definite action. Parents are the key to solving this issue. Promoting good eating habits and preparing balanced diet is essential. It is also a time to stop junk food. Educating children about benefits of playing outdoor games and then restoring a balance between calorie consumption and energy expenditure is the ultimate solution.
Over the last few decades,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
have reported an
overall
increase in the average weight of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with more percentage in children and adolescents. It was earlier
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
to be a disease of developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
such as UK, US and other European
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
the similar trend is
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
like India, China and other Asian countries.

The foremost reason of the problem lies in the food habits. Traditional and local diet were quite balanced and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to provide an appropriate amount of calories, Minerals and
Possible spelling mistake. 'fibres' is British English.
fibres
in the diet.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
due to
Possible spelling mistake. 'globalisation' is British English.
globalisation
and influence of media have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
the way we eat.

Ready to cook meals are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to taste and can be
easily
prepared in no time.
However
, they contain preservatives and lack the freshness of homemade food. Fresh leafy vegetables and fruits have
virtually
disappeared from our plates.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s world are
physically
inactive and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a sedentary life. Earlier,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
emphases was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
on outdoor activities and games as football, cricket, and
also
working in farms. There were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of playgrounds available for sporting activities. Nowadays, most of the children
are glued
to TV, the Internet for watching TV
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
and playing games. As we progress in the field of technology more, we have become lazy, inactive and sedentary.

This lack of physical activity and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
eating habits, both have contributed to increase in the incidence of obesity all around the world.

To tackle this problem is of utmost importance and needs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
definite
action. Parents are the key to solving this issue. Promoting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
eating habits and preparing balanced diet is essential. It is
also
a time to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
junk food. Educating children about benefits of playing outdoor games and then restoring a balance between calorie consumption and energy expenditure is the ultimate solution.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to be meant for adults only. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes and what solutions can be offered? v. 11

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
311 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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