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May people try to look younger than their age. What are the reasons people do this. Do you think this is a good thing or bad thing v.1

May people try to look younger than their age. What are the reasons people do this. Do you think this is a good thing or bad thing v. 1
A growing tendency in peoples’ preference for eternal youth is observed in the recent past. This is caused by factors such as increased competition and availability of advanced facilities. In my opinion, this trend has positive implications for both individuals and the community. The relevant factors are elaborated in the essay below with particular examples. To begin with, in the present context, people are being exposed to severe competition in the job market. As a consequence, many middle aged people have to struggle hard to win over capable youngsters in order to protect their profession. For instance, as per a research that had been taken place in the UK, there is a rising trend among successful employers to choose young and attractive personnel over experienced older people for promotions. In that aspect, it is apparent that an increased number of middle aged people these days turn to advanced technologies such as ultramodern beauty salons and pills, which aid them to achieve a younger appearance. However, this trend can be depicted as a positive because when people prefer to look younger, their attention is paid to regular physical workout and intake of healthier food such as fresh vegetables and fruits, which inevitably eliminate the choice of junk foods. This greatly contributes to form a healthy workforce with enhanced productivity. To illustrate, as per a study that had been taken place in the USA, in many developed countries, people are far more concerned about being young and as a result, the number of dependents of those countries are reduced thereby improving the economic growth in those countries. Therefore, it is evident that both individuals and the society are benefited by citizens’ preference of being young as it strengthen the fitness of a nation. To conclude, it is evident that stiff competition in the job places encourages people to care about their outer appearance and this aids to build up a strong workforce, which foster the economic growth of a country.
A growing tendency in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples’
preference for eternal youth
is observed
in the recent past. This
is caused
by factors such as increased competition and availability of advanced facilities. In my opinion, this trend has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
implications for both individuals and the community. The relevant factors
are elaborated
in the essay below with particular examples.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, in the present context,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
being exposed
to severe competition in the job market. As a consequence,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
middle aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
struggle
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to win over capable youngsters in order to protect their profession.
For instance
, as per
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
that had
been taken
place in the UK, there is a rising trend among successful employers to choose young and attractive personnel over experienced older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
for promotions. In that aspect, it is apparent that an increased number of
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
middle aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
these days turn to advanced technologies such as ultramodern beauty salons and pills, which aid them to achieve a younger appearance.

However
, this trend can
be depicted
as a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer to look younger, their attention
is paid
to regular physical workout and intake of healthier food such as fresh vegetables and fruits, which
inevitably
eliminate the choice of junk foods. This
greatly
contributes to form a healthy workforce with enhanced productivity. To illustrate, as per a study that had
been taken
place in the USA, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are far more concerned about being young and
as a result
, the number of dependents of those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
thereby improving the economic growth in those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
Therefore
, it is evident that both individuals and the society
are benefited
by citizens’ preference of being young as it
Did you mean "strengthens"?
strengthen
the fitness of a nation.

To conclude
, it is evident that stiff competition in the job places encourages
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to care about their outer appearance and this aids to build up a strong workforce, which foster the economic growth of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay May people try to look younger than their age. What are the reasons people do this. Do you think this is a good thing or bad thing v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
328 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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