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Many young people are leaving their homes in rural areas to study or work in the cities. What are the reasons? Do the advantages of this development outweigh it's disadvantages? v.7

Many young people are leaving their homes in rural areas to study or work in the cities. What are the reasons? Do the advantages of this development outweigh it's disadvantages? v. 7
Looking for more experience in other places is usually occurring among society, especially for the young people in remote areas who are trying to sharpen the ability in the city for reaching a better future. In this essay, the detail causes will be investigated as well as its benefits. There are several reasons for moving to the cities is a popular planning in expecting high dream. First and foremost, the various employments in the city are widely provided with the suitable wage for each worker, it could be chosen based on individual's capability. It is highly likely that the arranged of getting career is truly possible instead of working in the villages. Taking some persons from poorer family in the rural area, for instance, that who struggles to gain higher income by doing a job in the big town. Furthermore, the academic subjects are extremely guaranteed in the city. As a result, the young people from small areas are able to receive the best level of study. For example, for being a pilot or doctor, it could be possible only by having graduated from a great school that possibly to pursue the expected aim for the future. However, the advantages are obviously referring to the people who prefer to explore plenty things in the new places. Firstly, the vast majority of the youngs would be able to contribute in developing the country, since, studying and working as the most thing that deserved a concern. By means that as many skilled people in the country as easy for the government to create a faster development of the state. Moreover, the educated people also as a key to increase the level of welfare and prosperity among society. Therefore, the policy maker has to support the effort of young people to transfer to be talented by rendering fund such as scholarship and many others. By way of conclusion, even it is about personal causes that aiming for getting a great career and better study, yet the impact of both the reasons thoroughly affected for the public importance, including the skilled person would be contributing the development of the country and then the educated individual increase the welfare and prosperity. Hence, transferring to a city is helpful and beneficial for every person who intend to change the destination for the best future.
Looking for more experience in other places is
usually
occurring among society,
especially
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in remote areas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are trying to sharpen the ability in the city for reaching a better future. In this essay, the detail causes will
be investigated
as well
as its benefits.

There are several reasons for moving to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
is a popular planning in expecting high dream.
First
and foremost, the various employments in the city are
widely
provided with the suitable wage for each worker, it could
be chosen
based on individual's capability. It is
highly
likely that the arranged of getting career is
truly
possible
instead
of working in the villages. Taking
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
persons from poorer family in the rural area,
for instance
, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
struggles to gain higher income by doing a job in the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
town.
Furthermore
, the academic subjects are
extremely
guaranteed in the city.
As a result
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
areas are able to receive the best level of study.
For example
, for being a pilot or doctor, it could be possible
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by having graduated from a great school that
possibly
to pursue the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
aim for the future.

However
, the advantages are
obviously
referring to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
prefer to explore
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
things in the new places.
Firstly
, the vast majority of the
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "young", the plural form of the noun 'young'?
youngs
would be able to contribute in developing the country, since, studying and working as the most thing that deserved a concern. By means that as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
skilled
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the country as easy for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to create a faster development of the state.
Moreover
, the educated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
also
as a key to increase the level of welfare and prosperity among society.
Therefore
, the
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
policy maker
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
support the effort of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to transfer to
be talented
by rendering fund such as scholarship and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
others.

By way of conclusion, even it is about personal causes that aiming for getting a great career and better study,
yet
the impact of both the reasons
thoroughly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
for the public importance, including the skilled person would be contributing the development of the country and then the educated individual increase the welfare and prosperity.
Hence
, transferring to a city is helpful and beneficial for every person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
intend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the destination for the best future.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Many young people are leaving their homes in rural areas to study or work in the cities. What are the reasons? Do the advantages of this development outweigh it's disadvantages? v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
388 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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