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Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v.36

Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v. 36
The majority of employees do not do physical activity either in their office or their free time, which causes serious health problem between them. Financial pressure itself is the main cause of inactivity among working people, which could be solved by promoting sporting activities in offices. The first reason in which working people is inactive is financial problems. The prices of goods and services have risen noticeably globally in the last few years while the wages had just a little increase. This inequality between salary and expenditure have forced individuals to work two or three jobs to make ends meet, leaving no free time for them to exercise. For example, The soaring rate of renting an apartment itself in cities made people live in remote areas, which are extremely far from their workplace, resulting in long hours to be spent commuting between homes and offices. However, the problem can be solved by exercising in the offices. The most obvious solution is to provide sporting facilities in the working area and encouraging employees to do physical activities at certain times of the day. By doing this not only the productivity will be increased, but also the most serious common diseases among employees like obesity and diabetes will be prevented. For example, when the Microsoft company provided sporting amenities in the workplace and allowed their staff to play their favourite sport before starting their job, the level of their employees' health increased noticeably, and the company's profit also swelled %20. Although financial pressure has led no free time for workers to exercise, stimulating Working people to practice in the offices will resolve the problem. Working people are one of the main sectors of the economy, so special attention toward their health should be made.
The majority of employees do not do physical activity either in their office or their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, which causes serious health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
between them. Financial pressure itself is the main cause of inactivity among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, which could
be solved
by promoting sporting activities in offices.

The
first
reason in which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is inactive is financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
. The prices of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and services have risen
noticeably
globally in the last few years while the wages had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
increase. This inequality between salary and expenditure have forced individuals to work two or three jobs to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
ends
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
, leaving no free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for them to exercise.
For example
, The soaring rate of renting an apartment itself in cities made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in remote areas, which are
extremely
far from their workplace, resulting in long hours to
be spent
commuting between homes and offices.

However
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
can
be solved
by exercising in the offices. The most obvious solution is to provide sporting facilities in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
area and encouraging employees to do physical activities at certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
of the day. By doing this not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the productivity will
be increased
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the most serious common diseases among employees like obesity and diabetes will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
.
For example
, when the Microsoft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
provided sporting amenities in the workplace and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
their staff to play their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
sport
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
starting their job, the level of their employees' health increased
noticeably
, and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
's profit
also
swelled %20.

Although financial pressure has led no free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for workers to exercise, stimulating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to practice in the offices will resolve the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are one of the main sectors of the economy,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
special attention toward their health should
be made
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v. 36

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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