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many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. why do many working people not get enough exercise? what can be done about this problem? v.16

many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. why do many working people not get enough exercise? what can be done about this problem? v. 16
Almost all people who work do little exercise neither during their leisure time nor working days, which lead to health problems like obesity, heart attack and etc. , which will be discussed as follow. Today, people have to work a lot for making their living. Actually, they do not have enough time to do exercise, and because they get exhausted too much during their working days they prefer to sleep or do something that make them feel relaxed during their free time. Moreover, nowadays, eating ready and greasy food of fast foods and restaurants get more and more common, which leads to some health problem such as obesity, overweight. When a person gets obese, on the one hand, he loos his motivations for doing exercise and on the other hand, he gets too tired after getting exercise, which decrease his desire for exercising more and more, day by day, and finally these persons have acute health problems in their lives. For example, my sister got obese over the last 6 months about 15 kilograms, because of eating fast foods and siting all time at her work. So, I believe that, for preventing of these problems, eating healthy and organic foods shall be advertised by our media to attract people for changing their bad habits and also authorities shall make a law for all companies to allocate a specific time for their employees' exercise. That said, a specific time during the working time shall be assigned for exercise so that all employees exercise together in that time. In conclusion, I believe that, for preventing health problems all people shall be encouraged to do exercise either during their working days or in their free times, by defining a specific exercise time in all companies and also advertising healthy foods and exercising in our media.
Almost all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who work do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
neither during their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
nor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
days, which lead to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
like obesity, heart attack
Write the name of the item after 'and' or use only "etc".
and etc
.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
which will
be discussed
Did you mean "as follows"?
as follow
.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work a lot for making their living. Actually, they do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
get
exhausted too much during their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
days they prefer to sleep or do something that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them feel relaxed during their free time.

Moreover
, nowadays, eating ready and greasy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and restaurants
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
get
more and more common, which leads to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
such as obesity, overweight. When a person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gets
obese, on the one hand,
It seems that a verb is missing after "he". Please verify.
he
loos his motivations for doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
and
on the other hand
, he
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gets
too tired after getting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
, which decrease his desire for exercising more and more, day by day, and
finally
these persons have acute
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
For example
, my sister
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
obese over the last 6 months about 15 kilograms,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of eating
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and siting all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at her work.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I believe that, for preventing of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
, eating healthy and organic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
shall
be advertised
by our media to attract
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
for changing their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits and
also
authorities shall
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a law for all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
to allocate a specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for their employees'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
. That said, a specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
during the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
shall
be assigned
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that all employees
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
together in that time.

In conclusion
, I believe that, for preventing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
shall
be encouraged
to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
either during their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
days or in their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
, by defining a specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and
also
advertising healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and exercising in our media.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
43Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Language is to the mind more than light is to the eye.
William Gibson

IELTS essay many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. why do many working people not get enough exercise? what can be done about this problem? v. 16

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
302 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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