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Many working people get little exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v.2

Many working people get little exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v. 2
Doing regular exercise has a contributory in health. Unfortunately, a lot of employees do not have an active lifestyle; the major factor behind this is the lack of exercise. People nowadays are so encircled in their working schedules that they neglect their health. In running days, work pressures are increased, owing to rapidly changing market trends and revenue expectations; companies are considering employees as machines to overwork. In turn people have a lot of responsibilities at work and at home. Busy lifestyle leads to lack of time for basic activities such as going to the gym or spend leisure time with family. In addition, some of the employees can often go to the business trips consequence; they do not have normal life style schedules. If even working people arrive home after work in case at late hours the probably have to pay attention their children or other family members. So, people become workaholic which is adversely affecting their life in a negative way. It is obvious, that the solution of this essential issue is not only responsibility of an individual but also the company people are working for. The majority amount of companies should provide employees benefits such as 50% payment for annual visit fitness gyms or even organize at workplace gym facilities which should available with required equipments and instructors. Moreover, awareness campaigns should run over the importance of exercise and designated the time should be allotted to each employee for exercise. In a nutshell, it is irrespective, how much money a person is making. Health should be given priority, there are certain factors affecting our health already such as pollution, noise and stress. We should take proactive measures to prevent early old age symptoms.
Doing regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
has a contributory in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. Unfortunately,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
do not have an active lifestyle; the major factor behind this is the lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
nowadays are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
encircled in their working schedules that they neglect their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. In running days, work pressures
are increased
, owing to
rapidly
changing market trends and revenue expectations;
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are considering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
as machines to overwork. In turn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
responsibilities at work and at home. Busy lifestyle leads to lack of time for basic activities such as going to the gym or spend leisure time with family.
In addition
,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
can
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
go to the business trips consequence; they do not have normal life style schedules. If even working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
arrive home after work in case at late hours the
probably
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay attention their children or other family members.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
become workaholic which is
adversely
affecting their
Did you mean "lives"?
life
in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
way. It is obvious, that the solution of this essential issue is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
responsibility of an individual
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are working for. The majority amount of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
should provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
benefits such as 50% payment for annual visit fitness gyms or even organize at workplace gym facilities which should available with required equipments and instructors.
Moreover
, awareness campaigns should run over the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
and designated the time should
be allotted
to each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
. In a nutshell, it is irrespective, how much money a person is making.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Health
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
priority, there are certain factors affecting our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
already such as pollution, noise and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
. We should take proactive measures to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
early
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age symptoms.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Many working people get little exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v. 2

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
286 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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