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Many things that used to be done in the home by hand are now being done by machines. Does this development bring more advantages or disadvantages? v.1

Many things that used to be done in the home by hand are now being done by machines. Does this development bring more advantages or disadvantages? v. 1
It is true that people, in general, would like to look young than their age and they would try out a plethora of methods to achieve this. While there are many factors which make people do this, I personally believe that this is bad and has many negative implications. There are several reasons which drive people to look younger. Firstly, we are bombarded by a lot of TV commercials which tell us that ageing is a sin. They usually hire supermodels and celebrities who have great physique and appearance to advertise their products and indirectly influence people to believe that it is wrong to age gracefully. For example, beauty products are the main culprits who propagate this ideology by bringing out a lot of anti-ageing products. Secondly, people in some cultures discriminate people who have crossed their fifties, and this forces them to do a variety of things that make them look younger. As a result, they might even consider going under the knife to look young and change their natural appearance. In my opinion, this is very bad for individuals and society. From an individual's perspective, he will be forced to use many products which are not clinically tested and certified by the regulators and these untested products could have a detrimental effect on his body. Recently, authorities in the UK conducted a survey on anti-ageing products and found that 70% of them contained carcinogenic chemicals and these products are easily available to the general public. From a society's point of view, we are sending a wrong message to our next generation by looking down upon the elder population. If we do not end this trend, then our offsprings would also continue the same and we end up deteriorating our health. Therefore, trying to look young has many side effects on a person and society as a whole. To conclude, people try a number of things to look young. There are many reasons for this and overall, this is bad for the people and the society in which they live. There are many reasons for this and overall, this is bad for the people and the society in which they live.
It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
in general
, would like to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
Use "younger" to make a comparison with this adjective.
young
than their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
age and
they would try out a plethora of methods to achieve this. While there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
factors which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do this, I
personally
believe that this is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bad
and has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
implications.

There are several reasons which drive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
younger.
Firstly
, we
are bombarded
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
TV commercials which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
us that
Possible spelling mistake. 'ageing' is British English.
ageing
is a sin. They
usually
hire supermodels and celebrities who have great physique and appearance to advertise their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
and
indirectly
influence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to believe that it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
to age
gracefully
.
For example
, beauty
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
are the main culprits who propagate this ideology by bringing out
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
Possible spelling mistake found.
anti-ageing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cultures discriminate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have crossed their fifties, and this forces them to do a variety of things that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
younger.
As a result
, they might even consider going under the knife to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their natural appearance.

In my opinion, this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bad
for individuals and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. From an individual's perspective, he will
be forced
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
which are not
clinically
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tested
and certified by the regulators and these untested
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
could have a detrimental effect on his body. Recently, authorities in the UK conducted a survey on
Possible spelling mistake found.
anti-ageing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
and found that 70% of them contained carcinogenic chemicals and these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
are
easily
available to the
Consider using "public".
general public
. From a society's point of view, we are sending a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
message to our
next
generation by looking down upon the elder population. If we do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
this trend, then our
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
would
also
continue the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
same and
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up deteriorating our health.
Therefore
, trying to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
side effects on a person and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
as a whole.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
try a number of things to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons for this and
overall
, this is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bad
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
in which they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons for this and
overall
, this is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bad
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
in which they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Many things that used to be done in the home by hand are now being done by machines. Does this development bring more advantages or disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
362 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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