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Many students leave high schools without knowing how to manage their money. What are the reasons, and how can they improve their understanding of financial management? v.1

Many students leave high schools without knowing how to manage their money. What are the reasons, and how can they improve their understanding of financial management? v. 1
There is a fundamental debate going between two mindsets of people. One is of the opinion that, children should enrol primary school at an early age. While, others opine that education should be given to the children until they are older. This essay will explain the comparative analysis of both views before reaching a conclusion. On the one hand, children having an educational knowledge at a very early age of fruitful for them. The fact is that, it is their learning phase, and their mind remains completely blind at this period. Therefore, cultivating moral values and, positive knowledge of them, later in their lives make them more talent and, good citizens of a nation. Also, acquiring an education at an early age helps them to foster their mind, which eventually helps to become successful person a bit early and, easily. The salient example, can be best seen in the United States, where more than 50% of child are found to be a motivational speaker because of an early knowledge. On the other hand, the child should start their educational lives until they are older. This is to say that, it is suitable period for a child to grant knowledge at the of 5 or 6. At this time, their mind starts to think creatively and, at the same time, they start to recognize the different words along with their meanings. So considering this, it is best way to offer an education to children until they are older. For instance, a recent study in China revealed that 60% of children are found to be highly intellectual and, understandable with broad thinking capacity because of pursuing knowledge until they are 5 years old. In conclusion, In my opinion, children should begin their journey in school until they are older because this is the perfect period as they start to recognise the words and, their meanings.
There is a fundamental debate going between two mindsets of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. One is of the opinion that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should enrol primary school at an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
age. While, others opine that education should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
until they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
. This essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the comparative analysis of both views
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
reaching a conclusion.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
having an educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
at a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
age of fruitful for them. The fact is that, it is their learning phase, and their mind remains completely blind at this period.
Therefore
, cultivating moral values and,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
of them, later in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them more talent and,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
citizens of a nation.
Also
, acquiring an education at an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
age
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to foster their mind, which
eventually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to become successful person a bit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
and,
easily
. The salient example, can be best
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in the United States, where more than 50% of child
are found
to be a motivational speaker
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
knowledge.

On the other hand
, the child should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
start
their educational
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
until they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
. This is to say that, it is suitable period for a child to grant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
at the of 5 or 6. At this time, their mind
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
starts
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
creatively
and, at the same time, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
start
to recognize the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
words along with their meanings.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
considering this, it
A determiner is probably missing here: "is the best".
is best
way to offer an education to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
until they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
.
For instance
, a recent study in China revealed that 60% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are found
to be
highly
intellectual and, understandable with broad thinking capacity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of pursuing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
until they are 5 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.

In conclusion
, In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
their journey in school until they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this is the perfect period as they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
start
to
Do not mix variants of the same word ('recognise' and 'recognize') within a single text.
recognise
the words and, their meanings.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay Many students leave high schools without knowing how to manage their money. What are the reasons, and how can they improve their understanding of financial management? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
313 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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