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Students leave high school without learning the way how to manage their money. What are the reasons and solutions for this issue? v.2

Students leave high school without learning the way how to manage their money. What are the reasons and solutions for this issue? v. 2
In the modern world, many teenagers leaving study without a proper understanding of money management, which detrimental to modern society. Every individual need to secure their finances in order to provide their family and ensure a better life. There are many prompt reasons for this matter. In this essay, I elaborate on this issue and how to avoid serious consequences. Nowadays, one main reason is children are wasting cash to have numerous unnecessary goods and services, even they don't have a proper income, due to lack of knowledge regarding the value of wealth, in addition until they live under their parents, the younger generation will not be able to learn how to face financial crises in the future, as a result of that, those individuals may face serious consequences. Although, I believe modern education does not support teaching students, how making an investment or regarding preserving money and without proper direction. For instance, many children use to allocate funds on mobile phones, cameras, which is deprecate value in a short period. As I believe, it is time has come to change the modern education system by modifying syllabus and school in order to provide better knowledge and understand financial areas and future investment to become a successful life. Also, the involvement of parents is crucial to control children's behaviour on spending by motivating on investment or saving. For example, investing in education will support to have a better career path. To conclude, teacher's and parent's involvement is important to save the younger generation from the financial crisis, also government requires to make changes in the guidance system in order to generate people who responsible for a stable financial background.
In the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
leaving study without a proper understanding of money management, which detrimental to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
society. Every individual need to secure their finances in order to provide their family and ensure a better life. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
prompt reasons for this matter. In this essay, I elaborate on this issue and how to avoid serious consequences.

Nowadays, one main reason is children are wasting cash to have numerous unnecessary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and services, even they don't have a proper income, due to lack of knowledge regarding the value of wealth,
in addition
until they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
under their parents, the younger generation will not be able to learn how to face
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
crises in the future,
as a result
of that, those individuals may face serious consequences. Although, I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
education does not support teaching students, how making an investment or regarding preserving money and without proper direction.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
children
Make sure that 'use to' is correct. For habitual actions in the past or to mean 'accustomed to', use "used to".
use to
allocate funds on mobile phones, cameras, which is
Consider using a past participle here: "deprecated".
deprecate
value in a short period.

As I believe, it is time has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
education system by modifying syllabus and school in order to provide better knowledge and understand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
areas and future investment to become a successful life.
Also
, the involvement of parents is crucial to control children's
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
on spending by motivating on investment or saving.
For example
, investing in education will support to have a better career path.

To conclude
, teacher's and parent's involvement is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to save the younger generation from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
crisis,
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
requires to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in the guidance system in order to generate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
A noun should not follow 'who'. Try changing to a verb or maybe to "who is a responsible".
who responsible
for a stable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
background.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
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IELTS essay Students leave high school without learning the way how to manage their money. What are the reasons and solutions for this issue? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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