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Many sports players advertise sports-related products. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this? v.2

Many sports players advertise sports-related products. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this? v. 2
Avoiding change of life and repeat doing the same things is a good way to keep the happiness of memory, but changing to a new good thing is better because changing can let you grow up (physical and mind) and it can delete some of the sad memory. The first reason for changing of life is growing of thinking and the physical body. People change their mindset and open their world when they change their place such as travelling, moving home, and changing their job. They will meet other people who have different opinions, and they will learn new things from others. Mr Mee, for example, he is an investor in my country. He always goes abroad for meeting new people to exchange his investment experience, and he also gets a new idea or strategy for investing from them. If people stay in the same place, they will not have a new idea or friend. The second reason is changing of time will remove a bad memory. Most people have an unpleasant situation in their life, such as when someone died. The forgetting some sad memory is better than clear memories since they will not repeat their sadness again and again. For instance, when my grandmother died, I need to keep our happy memory more than the last time with her. I just miss her and commit to be a good grandmother like her in the future. Granted, doing the same situation is the good things since it can keep the old happiness, but changing is better because it can bring another happy memory. People cannot find new happiness if people only do the same things, live in the same place, and chat with the same person. Moving out of the comfort zone is the things that they have to do and they cannot avoid changing if they live if the world that there are changing many things all time. In conclusion, I prefer to change because it brings me to a good new experience for improving my life and I do not want to stay in bad memory. Although unchanging can keep a good memory, I also need a new memory for my life.
Avoiding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and repeat doing the same things is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
way to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
keep
the happiness of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
memory
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changing
to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
thing is better
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changing
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
you grow up (physical and mind) and it can delete
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
sad memory.

The
first
reason for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changing
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is growing of thinking and the physical body.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
their mindset and open their world when they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
their place such as travelling, moving home, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changing
their job. They will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
opinions, and they will learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things from others. Mr
Possible spelling mistake found.
Mee
,
for example
, he is an investor in my country. He always goes abroad for meeting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to exchange his investment experience, and he
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
or strategy for investing from them. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
stay in the same place, they will not have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
or friend.

The second reason is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changing
of time will remove a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
memory
. Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have an unpleasant situation in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, such as when someone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
. The forgetting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
memory
is better than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
memories
since they will not repeat their sadness again and again.
For instance
, when my grandmother
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
, I need to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
keep
our happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
memory
more than the last time with her. I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
miss her and commit to be a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
grandmother like her in the future.

Granted, doing the same situation is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
things since it can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
keep
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
happiness,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changing
is better
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it can bring another happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
memory
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
cannot find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
happiness if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
do the same things,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in the same place, and chat with the same person. Moving out of the comfort zone is the things that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
do and
they cannot avoid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changing
if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
Did you mean "is"?
if
the world that there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things all time.

In conclusion
, I prefer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it brings me to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
experience for improving my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and I do not want to stay in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
memory
. Although unchanging can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
keep
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
memory
, I
also
need a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
memory
for my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Many sports players advertise sports-related products. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
365 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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