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Many sports players advertise sports-related products. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this? v.3

Many sports players advertise sports-related products. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this? v. 3
There is no iota of doubt that, a number of well-known players are doing different types of product advertisements. This phenomenon is offering multifarious benefits to the players. However, sometimes a couple of problems emerge due to the same. In this essay, we will throw some light on the advantages and disadvantages of this trend. To begin with the bright side of endorsements by sports persons. Firstly, players can promote certain products in a better way because they themselves use some of these items in their line of work. For example, Lionel Messi does the advertisement of an energy drink, which he consumes while playing the game. Because of this reason, his endorsement of the product sounds genuine. Secondly, players can make money by doing various types of advertisements. In general, advertisement companies give approximately 5-10 million dollars to the players who work for them. This is a great opportunity for them to convert their popularity and brand value into wealth. On the flip side of the coin, there are a handful of nasty consequences of endorsements as well. Primarily, this could take away the players’ focus of the game. For instance, last year, Sakib al Hasan, a renowned Bangladeshi cricketer, was not able to perform as expected in the Asian Cup. As a result, some people assert that this happened because he was featured in myriads of advertisements at that time, which took his concentration away from the match. Furthermore, athletes could become a money minded if they do a lot of advertisement campaigns. The result of this could be devastating for the players and ruin their game play. In conclusion, there is no doubt that popular players are advertising several products and this phenomenon has some obvious drawbacks and benefits which are given in the above paragraphs. All in all, it is up to the players to decide whether or not they should do these types of advertisements.
There is no iota of doubt that, a number of well-known
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
are doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
. This phenomenon is offering multifarious benefits to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
.
However
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
a couple of problems
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "emerges"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'emerge' is not always incorrect.)
emerge
due to the same. In this essay, we will throw
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
light on the advantages and disadvantages of this trend.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with the bright side of endorsements by sports persons.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
can promote certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
in a better way
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they themselves
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of these items in their line of work.
For example
, Lionel Messi does the
The usual collocation for "advertisement" is "for" not "of". Did you mean "advertisement for"?
advertisement of
an energy drink, which he consumes while playing the game.
Because of this
reason, his endorsement of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
sounds genuine.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
money by doing various types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
.
In general
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
give approximately 5-10 million dollars to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
who work for them. This is a great opportunity for them to convert their popularity and brand value into wealth.

On the flip side of the coin, there are a
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "handfuls", "handsful"?
handful
of nasty consequences of endorsements
as well
.
Primarily
, this could take away the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players’
focus of the game.
For instance
, last year,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Sakib
Possible spelling mistake found.
al
Possible spelling mistake found.
Hasan
, a renowned Bangladeshi cricketer, was not able to perform as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
in the Asian Cup.
As a result
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
assert that this happened
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he
was featured
in myriads of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
at that time, which took his concentration away from the match.
Furthermore
, athletes could become
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "money".
a money
minded if they do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
campaigns. The result of this could be devastating for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
and ruin their game play.

In conclusion
, there is no doubt that popular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
are advertising several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
and this phenomenon has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
obvious drawbacks and benefits which are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
in the above paragraphs. All in all, it is up to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
to decide
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
they should do these types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay Many sports players advertise sports-related products. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
320 words
9
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 9.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 9.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 9.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 9.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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