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Many sports players advertise sport-related products. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this? v.3

Many sports players advertise sport-related products. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this? v. 3
The advertisements are believed to be an integral part in terms of the business sector in this developing world; thus, the companies hire the popular sports players to advertise their sports-related products, and further, the merits and demerits of this trend are yet to be analyzed in the subsequent paragraphs. Promoting sports-related products by sports players seems to have prominent benefits in certain ways. Firstly, it helps to increase the company’s production as folks prefer to purchase those products that are endorsed by their favorite sports player. For instance, the puma brand is endorsed by popular athlete Usain bolt, and this endorsement helps to raise the sale of puma almost throughout the world. Secondly, children get motivation from sports players, thereby watching advertisements related to sports, whereby they can make their good carrier in sports. Although sports advertisements have some positives. Having said that, the negatives need to be considered, that seem to be responsible to create some of the problems, the first and foremost is excessive expenditure of money as children insist with their parents in order to buy the products which are advertised by their favorite sports player; meanwhile, parents have to spend unplanned money for satisfying their kids. Moreover, when a company invests money on the player for specific products; thereafter, they raise the price of sports things so that customers have to pay more money for it. In conclusion, given the significance of sports, the advertisements related to sports cannot be said negatively, but people should have an appropriate choice for buying any kind of product.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
are believed
to be an integral part in terms of the business sector in this developing world;
thus
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
hire the popular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
to advertise their sports-related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
, and
further
, the merits and demerits of this trend are
yet
to
be analyzed
in the subsequent paragraphs.

Promoting sports-related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
seems to have prominent benefits in certain ways.
Firstly
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to increase the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
’s production as folks prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
that
are endorsed
by their favorite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
player
.
For instance
, the puma brand
is endorsed
by popular athlete
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Usain bolt
, and this endorsement
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to raise the sale of puma almost throughout the world.
Secondly
, children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
motivation from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
, thereby watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
related to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, whereby they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
carrier in sports.

“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
positives. Having said that, the negatives need to
be considered
, that seem to be responsible to create
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
problems, the
first
and foremost is excessive expenditure of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as children insist with their parents in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
which
are advertised
by their favorite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
player
; meanwhile, parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend unplanned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for satisfying their kids.
Moreover
, when a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
invests
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
player
for specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
; thereafter, they raise the price of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
things
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that customers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for it.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the significance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
related to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
cannot
be said
negatively
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should have an appropriate choice for buying any kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
30Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Many sports players advertise sport-related products. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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