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Many sports players advertise sport-related products. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this v.2

Many sports players advertise sport-related products. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this v. 2
Advertisement is a tool which is used by an organisation for enhancing the sale of their products. It is generally seen that support companies using elegant sports player for advertising. This trend has some merits and demerits, which I will delineate in my upcoming writing. On the positive side, When companies take an assistance from elegant sports players for advertising their products. Many people like to buy a new products that are endorsed by their favourite stars. As the demand of the products mushroomed and for fulfilling the demand companies hire new employees. Moreover, players also show their game and skills in advertisements, as people get motivation and influence from them. Then they also show their interest toward to play games. As they can avoid sedentary life style. On the negative side, one major disadvantage of advertisement of sports products by sports personalities is that it puts pressure on parents. Everyone knows that whenever children see any interesting things, then they force to their for buying it. However, there are many families, which are reeling under financial obstacles. So, it is very difficult for them to fulfil the demands their offsprings. Apart from this, as the price of products is also increased because whenever companies advertise from famous sports players, then organisations need to pay a massive amount of money to personalities. Owing to which for gaining the more profit companies burgeon the price of products. As a result, individuals encounter many difficulties when they buy new sports products. To recapitulate, undoubtedly when players advertise of sports products they increase the sale of companies and also motivate to people, but this trend also lead to some major drawbacks such put pressure on parents as well as upsurge the price of products.
Advertisement is a tool which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by an
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
for enhancing the sale of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
. It is
generally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that support
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
using elegant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
player
for advertising. This trend has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
merits and demerits, which I will delineate in my upcoming writing.

On the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
side, When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
take an assistance from elegant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
for advertising their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a new
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "product"?
products
that
are endorsed
by their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
stars. As the demand of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
mushroomed and for fulfilling the demand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
hire new employees.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their game and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in advertisements, as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
motivation and influence from them. Then they
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their interest toward to play games.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
they can avoid sedentary life style.

On the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
side, one major disadvantage of
The usual collocation for "advertisement" is "for" not "of". Did you mean "advertisement for"?
advertisement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
personalities is that it puts pressure on parents. Everyone knows that whenever children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
any interesting things, then they force to their for buying it.
However
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
families, which are reeling under financial obstacles.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult for them to fulfil the demands their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
. Apart from this, as the price of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
is
also
increased
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
whenever
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
advertise from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
, then
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
need to pay a massive amount of money to personalities. Owing to which for gaining the more profit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
burgeon the price of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
.
As a result
, individuals encounter
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
difficulties when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
products.

To recapitulate,
undoubtedly
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
advertise of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
they increase the sale of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
and
also
motivate to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this trend
also
lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
major drawbacks such put pressure on parents
as well
as upsurge the price of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay Many sports players advertise sport-related products. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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