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Many people work long hours, leaving very little time for leisure activities. Does this situation have more advantages or have more disadvantages? v.22

Many people work long hours, leaving very little time for leisure activities. Does this situation have more advantages or have more disadvantages? v. 22
In this competitive era, people are obliged to work extra hour’s results in lesser playtime. This brings up lifetime pros such as stable career and secure future along with some cons related to health and relationship issues. Nevertheless having a well established life eventually settles everything else. This essay will demonstrates both aspects of such situation. Some of the advantages of prolonged working hours turns out to be in the form of successful career and well settles lifestyle. It is believed that initial years after graduation are always challenging and it requires additional efforts to standout and it results in huge command over work, strong professional PR along with tremendous experience. Moreover it has been observed through research that people who have struggled hard in their early career have a relaxed and successful future. Therefore, working lengthy hours eventually have significant outcomes. On the contrary, out structured schedule at workplace have some consequences as well. It leads to numerous health issues since a person does not get time to spend on leisure activities. Beside this, sitting in a similar position for a long time causes severe backache problems which could lead to major medical concern. Furthermore, since people spend more than three-forth time of the day at their workplace, they are left with minimal energy to have entertainment or relaxation time with their loved ones. A recent survey proofs this after analyzing most of the employees schedule; those who don’t maintain work-life balance have compromised relationships. Thus their personal associations are highly effected. To sum, I would say extended work hours is a new norm in our society and it contains both positive and negative aspects to it. I believe that despite of some disadvantages which can be managed, hard work do get paid off eventually and results in fruitful and outstanding future.
In this competitive era,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are obliged
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hour’s
results in lesser playtime. This brings up lifetime pros such as stable career and secure future along with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cons related to health and relationship issues.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Nevertheless
having a well established life
eventually
settles everything else. This essay will
The verb 'will' requires the base form of the verb: "demonstrate"
demonstrates
both aspects of such situation.

If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
advantages of prolonged working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
turns out to be in the form of successful career and well settles lifestyle. It
is believed
that initial years after graduation are always challenging and it requires additional efforts to standout and it results in huge command over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, strong professional PR along with tremendous experience.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Moreover
it has
been observed
through research that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who have struggled
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
in their early career have a relaxed and successful future.
Therefore
, working lengthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
eventually
have significant outcomes.

On the contrary
, out structured schedule at workplace have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
consequences
as well
. It leads to numerous health issues since a person does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to spend on leisure activities. Beside this, sitting in a similar position for a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
causes severe backache problems which could lead to major medical concern.
Furthermore
, since
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
spend more than three-forth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
of the day at their workplace, they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
with minimal energy to have entertainment or relaxation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones. A recent survey proofs this after analyzing most of the employees schedule; those who don’t maintain work-life balance have compromised relationships.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
their personal associations are
highly
effected.

To sum, I would say extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
is a new norm in our society and it contains both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects to it. I believe that
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages which can
be managed
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
paid off
eventually
and results in fruitful and outstanding future.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people work long hours, leaving very little time for leisure activities. Does this situation have more advantages or have more disadvantages? v. 22

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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