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Many people work long hours leaving very little time for leisure activities. Does this situation have more advantages over disadvantages? v.2

Many people work long hours leaving very little time for leisure activities. Does this situation have more advantages over disadvantages? v. 2
Does one need some time to spend on leisure activities? Unfortunately, people work for extra hours leaving very little or no time at all for extra activities seems less advantageous. However, working for late hours might be considered profitable by an employee to some extent, as one could get extra wage for his extra hours of work. A bread-winner thinks he could get some more luxuries for his loved ones by working for late hours, although, only employer could get benefit from an employee's long hours of dedication in monetarily terms. Conversely, that person is compromising on his both mental and physical health. For instance, one could undergo stress, or someone might face sciatica due to sitting for long hours - especially ones having sedentary jobs. As per a research conducted in USA there are numerous cases of back-pain patients due to sedentary life style which is indeed an alarming situation. Likewise, committed-to-work person could lose his family time as well as time for oneself. It is as important for an individual to have some “me-time” on daily basis as meal thrice a day. Hence, if an individual could play some out-door games like tennis, badminton, soccer and cricket; then one could stay fit and healthy both physically and psychologically. Thus, mentally and physically fit person could be more productive and active against stressed or the person who is not in state of good health. To summarize, in the light of aforementioned points, working for long hours and leaving very less time for leisure activities have more disadvantages over advantages.
Does one need
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to spend on leisure activities? Unfortunately,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
work for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
leaving
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
or no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at all for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra
activities seems less advantageous.

However
, working for late
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
might
be considered
profitable by an employee to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent, as one could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra
wage for his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
of work. A bread-winner
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thinks
he could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
more luxuries for his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
by working for late
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
, although,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
employer could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
benefit from an employee's long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
of dedication in
monetarily
terms.
Conversely
, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
is compromising on his both mental and physical health.
For instance
, one could undergo
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
, or someone might face sciatica due to sitting for long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
especially
Did you mean "one's"?
ones
having sedentary jobs.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
per
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
conducted
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the USA".
in USA
there are numerous cases of back-pain patients due to sedentary life style which is
indeed
an alarming situation.

Likewise
, committed-to-work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
could lose his family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for oneself. It is as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for an individual to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
“me-time” on daily basis as meal thrice a day.
Hence
, if an individual could play
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
out-door games like tennis, badminton, soccer and cricket; then one could stay fit and healthy both
physically
and
psychologically
.
Thus
, mentally and
physically
fit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
could be more productive and active against
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
or the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
who is not in state of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
health.

To summarize
, in the light of aforementioned points, working for long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
and leaving
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for leisure activities have more disadvantages over advantages.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Many people work long hours leaving very little time for leisure activities. Does this situation have more advantages over disadvantages? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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