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Many people work long hours, leaving very little time for leisure activities. Does this situation have more advantages or more disadvantages? v.16

Many people work long hours, leaving very little time for leisure activities. Does this situation have more advantages or more disadvantages? v. 16
The rapid increase in industrialization had adversely affected the lifestyle of most of the population. Due to this, a number of people are working for a long duration, in spite of devoting some quality moment for extracurricular activities. Therefore, in my strong conviction, I opine, that living a life with a lot of the workload will definitely harm our health as well as our surrounding relationships. To commence with, firstly, a recent study revealed that, 70% of the total crowd were working over the schedule to earn more and more money in order to live a luxurious life. Secondly, in contrast to this, 30% of the left out population said that they are unemployed now because the vacant situations were already filled up by those, who work for long hours despite their regular period. Thus, the need of the hour is, employers should put some constraints while hiring process. On the flip side, a student of Delhi University revealed during his case study of the Health problems that, 83% of the total population are suffering from serious irregularities. For instance, mental disorders, cervical pain and back pain because, they have been working in double shifts, the reasons were, first, a lot of burdens and moreover, their boss demanded to complete the tasks before meeting deadlines. Second, due to competition in the markets, they were extra loaded and their relations were getting affected. Third, they were not given any extra hour to exercise or relax. The study also results that, such employees passed through mental trauma. As a result, having no time or a little time for leisure activities made them boring and selfless. To conclude, people should earn according to their requirements despite ignoring health. Furthermore, it is always advisable to spend a little time in self-grooming in order to perform more efficiently.
The rapid increase in industrialization had
adversely
affected
the lifestyle of most of the population. Due to this, a number of
people
are working for a long duration,
in spite of
devoting
some
quality moment for extracurricular activities.
Therefore
, in my strong conviction, I opine, that living a life with
a lot of
the workload will definitely harm our health
as well
as our surrounding relationships.

To commence with,
firstly
, a recent study revealed that, 70% of the total crowd were working over the schedule to earn more and more money in order to
live
a luxurious life.
Secondly
,
in contrast
to this, 30% of the
left
out population said that they
are unemployed
now
because
the vacant situations were already filled up by those, who work for long hours despite their regular period.
Thus
, the need of the hour is, employers should put
some
constraints while hiring process.

On the flip side, a student of Delhi University revealed during his case study of the Health problems that, 83% of the total population are suffering from serious irregularities.
For instance
, mental disorders, cervical pain and back pain
because
, they have been working in double shifts, the reasons were,
first
,
a lot of
burdens and
moreover
, their boss demanded to complete the tasks
before
meeting deadlines. Second, due to competition in the markets, they were extra loaded and their relations were getting
affected
. Third, they were not
given
any extra hour to exercise or relax. The study
also
results that, such employees passed through mental trauma.
As a result
, having no time or a
little
time for leisure activities made them boring and selfless.

To conclude
,
people
should earn according to their requirements despite ignoring health.
Furthermore
, it is always advisable to spend a
little
time in self-grooming in order to perform more
efficiently
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people work long hours, leaving very little time for leisure activities. Does this situation have more advantages or more disadvantages? v. 16

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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