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Many people want their country to host an international sporting event. Others believe that international sporting event bring more problems than benefits. Discuss both views and include your opinion, supported by examples. v.2

Many people want their country to host an international sporting event. Others believe that international sporting event bring more problems than benefits. v. 2
Many argue that money is an integral part of exhilaration in one's life. In my view, I think that it is viable for people to be happy even though they have little money and other aspects can contribute towards playing a an important role in creating happiness. Although possessing money brings prosperity to some people, it does not necessarily mean that people without it are, therefore, treacherous. For instance, people living in slums eventually find a source of contentment irrespective of their financial background. They pay less attention to their adverse condition and live their life happily. Moreover, some people believe that people living in developing countries are happier and find enjoyment in stronger family connections and take more pleasure in integrity of life than those living in primitive countries. One way people can gain pleasure is through reading a book. They could read their favourite book in a calm and quiet environment, for example, a library, a park and a beach etc. It helps them cope with hardships and stress existing in their life. In other words, diverting your mind from the present unfavourable situation is found to be beneficial. Another factor influencing happiness is having loving and joyful relationships with people. While money may fetch people big opportunities, few people would enjoy being on their own or being a 'loner'. Being in proximity of a loving and caring family can drastically bring happiness and it is considered to be of greater value than money. In conclusion, money is not crucial for finding peace of mind which could be found through reading books as well as family. Moreover, people should not consider money as a priority in life, but building stronger relations with people and doing what they love to do.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is an integral part of exhilaration in one's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. In my view, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is viable for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to be happy
even though
they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and other aspects can contribute towards playing
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "a" or "an" is left.
a an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in creating happiness.

Although possessing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
brings prosperity to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, it does not
necessarily
mean that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
without it are,
therefore
, treacherous.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
living in slums
eventually
find a source of contentment irrespective of their financial background. They pay less attention to their adverse condition and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
happily
.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
living in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
are happier and find enjoyment in stronger family connections and take more pleasure in integrity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
than those living in primitive countries.

One way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can gain pleasure is through reading a book. They could read their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
book in a calm and quiet environment,
for example
, a library, a park and a beach etc. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them cope with hardships and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
existing in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
In other words
, diverting your mind from the present
Possible spelling mistake. 'unfavourable' is British English.
unfavourable
situation
is found
to be beneficial.

Another factor influencing happiness is having loving and joyful relationships with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. While
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
may fetch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
opportunities, few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would enjoy being on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
or being a 'loner'. Being in proximity of a loving and caring family can
drastically
bring happiness and it
is considered
to be of greater value than money.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is not crucial for finding peace of mind which could
be found
through reading books
as well
as family.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should not consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as a priority in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
building stronger relations with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and doing what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to do.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people want their country to host an international sporting event. Others believe that international sporting event bring more problems than benefits. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
292 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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