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Many people try to look younger than their age. What are the reasons people do this. Do you think this is a good thing or a bad thing? v.10

Many people try to look younger than their age. What are the reasons people do this. Do you think this is a good thing or a bad thing? v. 10
It is true in today's time, an increasing of people attempt to make themselves look youthful. There are reasons why this is happening, and in my perspective, this tendency can bring trial drawbacks to human being. Good-looking help people self-satisfaction and one of the elements confidence-building to approach their goals in life. For instance, the majority of companies now, also requires face values, which mean even it's a small factorial, but it's also one of the keys for you to get qualified in a job application. Besides, due to the marketing improvement and social beauty standards which creates a pile of cosmetics to make us look gorgeous and fabulous. Therefore, we follow the standards and interested in becoming younger. Hence, people started to figure out many ways to make themselves youthful. In my opinion, I support the intention taking care of your appearance which makes you love yourself more and appealing. However, this trend seemed to be having a negative impact on people lately, which put them in such a hazardous circumstance that they didn't aware of. For example, undergoing plastic surgery may leave a pathetic side effects that can cause health complications among men and woman. Moreover, the advertisement of trade business attract us to buy the products, as there is no one contented about the anti-aging products, they keep opt to purchase them insatiable that the most cost really expensive. As a result, they waste their money on unnecessary items. Thus, spending time and effort to try to stay young is indeed bad for human beings. In conclusion, people try to delaying aging is because of marketing and job qualification. To my mind, I support the idea being aware of look after their pretty skins, but it doesn't mean to put their life at risks because of it. Finally, I consider this tendency have become detrimental for our health and dissipation of money.
It is true in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's time, an increasing of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
attempt to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
themselves look youthful. There are reasons why this is happening, and in my perspective, this tendency can bring trial drawbacks to human being.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Good
-looking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
self-satisfaction and one of the elements confidence-building to approach their goals in life.
For instance
, the majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
,
also
requires face values, which mean even it's a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
factorial,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it's
also
one of the keys for you to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
qualified in a job application.
Besides
, due to the marketing improvement and social beauty standards which creates a pile of cosmetics to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
us look gorgeous and fabulous.
Therefore
, we follow the standards and interested in becoming younger.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to figure out
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
themselves youthful.

In my opinion, I support the intention taking care of your appearance which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
yourself more and appealing.
However
, this trend seemed to be having a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
lately, which put them in such a hazardous circumstance that they didn't aware of.
For example
, undergoing plastic surgery may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
a pathetic side effects that can cause health complications among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and woman.
Moreover
, the
The usual collocation for "advertisement" is "for" not "of". Did you mean "advertisement for"?
advertisement of
trade business attract us to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the products, as there is no one contented about the anti-aging products, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
opt to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
them insatiable that the most cost
really
expensive.
As a result
, they waste their money on unnecessary items.
Thus
, spending time and effort to try to stay young is
indeed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
for human beings.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
try to
Did you mean "delay"?
delaying
aging is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of marketing and job qualification. To my mind, I support the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
being aware of look after their pretty skins,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it doesn't mean to put their
Did you mean "lives"?
life
at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of it.
Finally
, I consider this tendency have become detrimental for our health and dissipation of money.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people try to look younger than their age. What are the reasons people do this. Do you think this is a good thing or a bad thing? v. 10

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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