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Doing an enjoyable activity with a child can develop better skills and more creativity than reading. To what extent do you agree? v. 240 v.15

Doing an enjoyable activity with a child can develop better skills and more creativity than reading. v. 240 v. 15
I agree that doing activity can be developed children's skill and creativity, but I do not think that is an excellent than reading. Children can be influenced by many experiences in childhood. The childhood's skills are going to form ideals of your basic personality. To move one's own body, help with developing bodily functions. Doing an enjoyable activity can be decreased stressful and the sympathetic nerve become brisk then can be a positive. Especially in fancy time, a muscular, physical power and staying power are easy to grow and they are also important for growing physically. Therefore, playing with friends assist a good cooperative and can be learned about a group action. This ability will help when a child grows up, then start work because a group action is helpful for working with someone. On the other hand, reading is influenced into thinking ability. To read a word, then understanding has to use own brain and its effects to develop a creative and problem-solving ability. A child's brain is easy to suck new things as own knowledges. Actually, To read assist increasing the powers of concentration. The power of concentration is important in any situation, to study, to talk and to think, and then, it will take a time to acquire. Accordingly, I think reading skill has to acquire from childhood. Taking everything into consideration, experiences of childhood are going to influence to adulthood. Moreover, that ability are not easy to change after growing up. I think that reading and doing activity both are necessary factors for growing up children.
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that doing activity can
be developed
children's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
and creativity,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that is
an
Use "(excellent)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
excellent
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
. Children can
be influenced
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
experiences in childhood. The childhood's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
are going to form ideals of your basic personality.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
one's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
body,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
with developing
bodily
functions. Doing an enjoyable activity can
be decreased
stressful and the sympathetic nerve become brisk then can be a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
.
Especially
in fancy time, a muscular, physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
power
and staying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
power
are easy to
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
grow and
they are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for growing
physically
.
Therefore
, playing with friends assist a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
cooperative and can
be learned
about a group action. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ability
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
when a child grows up, then
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
a group action is helpful for working with someone.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
is influenced
into thinking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ability
. To read a word, then understanding
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
brain and its effects to develop a creative and problem-solving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ability
. A child's brain is easy to suck new things as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
Possible spelling mistake found.
knowledges
. Actually, To read assist increasing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
powers
of concentration. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
power
of concentration is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in any situation, to study, to talk and to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
, and then, it will take a time to acquire.
Accordingly
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
acquire from childhood.

Taking everything into consideration, experiences of childhood are going to influence to adulthood.
Moreover
, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ability
are not easy to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
after growing up. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
and doing activity both are necessary factors for growing up children.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Doing an enjoyable activity with a child can develop better skills and more creativity than reading. v. 240 v. 15

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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